


Enjoy The Silence

by mythicaliz



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Abusive Ex, Grief, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Link's POV, M/M, Meditation, Memories, Minor Character Death, Past Domestic Violence, References to Addiction, References to Drug Use, Roommates, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed, Silence, Strangers to Lovers, journalist!link, long chapters, silent retreat au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2019-11-08 18:33:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 42,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17986448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicaliz/pseuds/mythicaliz
Summary: Link begrudgingly accepts an assignment from his boss at Buzzfeed to attend a ten-day silent meditation retreat. He begins to reflect on how his life has become such as mess as he journeys back into his memories through meditation. Meanwhile he finds himself falling for his tall, mysterious bearded roommate.





	1. Day 0- Noble Silence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dooya227](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dooya227/gifts).



> I chose not to use warnings because there are scenes of domestic violence which include physical violence, and sketchy consent, but nothing extreme. Mind the tags there are lots of triggers.
> 
> thank you so much to MythicalCatie and LikeASwitchInHeat for beta reading and all your support! 
> 
> I'll be updating new chapters every Monday. To get an email reminder hit the subscribe button. 
> 
> This was a very personal exercise for me. Link's story is very much my own and it felt good to say a lot of these things for the first time and to let them go. It's been a really cathartic experience for me, but I also hope you guys enjoy it.  
> 

_Words like violence break the silence_

_Come crashing in, into my little world_

_Painful to me, pierce right through me_

_Can’t you understand, oh my little girl_

\- Enjoy the Silence, Depeche Mode

Link jammed his earbuds in and turned up the volume to max on his phone. He closed his eyes and let the dreamy music wash over him as he tried to shut out the voice beside him which was increasing in volume. Eventually, the left earbud was yanked from his ear by the tall, thin woman in the driver’s seat.

“Seriously, it’s a three hour drive. You’re going to ignore me the entire way?”

“Yes, Stevie,” he replied through gritted teeth, as he pulled the ear bud from her hand and wedged it back in his ear.

He was pissed.

Two years ago, he moved to LA with his journalism degree and over a decade of experience working for prestigious news outlets to be with his now ex. Now, he found himself writing articles for BuzzFeed. His salt and pepper hair stuck out like a sore thumb in an office full of millennial hipsters filming goofy segments for YouTube or writing dumb quizzes with titles like “tell us how you like your grilled cheese and we’ll tell you who you were in a past life.” But he had accepted his fate. His job was to go and try different celebrity fads and report back to the masses. His dry humour read like an aggressive eyeroll and whether he was doing hot yoga, getting the dead skin eaten off his feet by tiny fish, or glamping in a yurt, he pretty much always had the same take: That the service was overpriced, overhyped, and a waste of time and money. He loved to dig into entitled celebutantes like the Kardashian-Jenners, and show how much better the common folk were than them. 

But a few days earlier, when his boss, the beautiful and savvy Stevie Levine assigned him to go on a ten day silent meditation retreat, he dug in his heels.

“There is no fucking way, Stevie!” he said, banging his fists on her desk. He didn’t even care that everyone could see into the glass walls of her office. If he had to have a tantrum to get out of this, he would. 

“I’m not asking, Link. I’m assigning. You arrive Monday evening. I’ll even drive you out to Joshua Tree,” she said matter of factly.

“I’m not spending ten days meditating all hours of the day. That’s insane. And no talking?! What is wrong with these people. It’s some sort of cult level shit.”

“It’s very popular! I bet you’ll even have a celebrity in your group. Who knows, you could be roommates with one of the Hemsworth brothers!” she exclaimed with a knowing wink.

“I don’t care if I’m roommates with The Rock,” he replied. “I’m not going.”

“You know I have a file of a hundred resumes just waiting to take your job, right? I hired you because you’re a professional. I thought you could show these kids how it’s done. And I consider you a friend. I really do, but if you’re above it, you can pack up your desk…”

“Fuck,” he replied, throwing his hands up in defeat. “Fine, but you’re taking me to In-and-Out on the way there. And you’re buying.”

“Deal,” she said with a small smile as Link sulked back to his desk.

Three days later and they were on the road to The Joshua Tree Vipassana Centre. Link’s belly groaned under the weight of a three-by-three cheeseburger, large animal fries and a peanut butter shake. If he was going to eat vegan food for the next ten days then by god he was going to load up on cholesterol while he could. 

The entire prospect was stressful. He was constantly surrounded by noise. The TV on in the background when he was at home, a podcast in his ears while he grocery shopped, the satellite radio on in his car during his commute. The sound was comforting; he didn’t like to be alone with his thoughts. But for ten _freaking_ days that’s all he would have. His thoughts. And the prospect terrified him. 

Since being assigned to go on this retreat, he had barely slept. But the heavy meal combined with the gentle rocking of the car on the highway caused his eyes to grow heavy and his mouth to fall open. For the first time in days he effortlessly slipped into sleep with his head rested on the passenger window of Stevie’s Hyundai. 

He was woken a few hours later by the noise of the car slowing and turning onto a fine gravel driveway. It took him a second to remember where he was and why he was there, but soon, Stevie put the car in park and pulled her keys out of the ignition.

“Let’s go, buddyroll,” she said, smacking him on the thigh.

Link let out a long sigh and exited the car. He met Stevie at the trunk and she retrieved his duffle bag and handed it to him, closing the trunk with a thud. 

“I’m still pissed,” he said.

“Link, you’ve had a rough year. Honestly, I think this will be good for you. You’re so… angry, and I understand why, but you can’t keep going like this. You need to sort your shit out and maybe this will help. I’ll see you next Friday.”

“We get out at 9am. You’d better be here. I don’t want to be stranded here one second longer than I have to be.”

“I promise,” she wrapped her arms around him in an encouraging hug. “I picked you for this because I knew you could do it. You need some time to reflect.”

“Okay,” he replied with a lump in his throat. He knew it was silly to cry, but he felt like he was about to endure ten days of torture.

Stevie got back in her car and waved at him through the window as she pulled away, headed home to Los Angeles.

Link stood in front of the door for a moment. Maybe he could run. But to where? He was in the middle of the desert. He’d probably die of exposure or from a snake bite. He sighed, slung his duffle bag over his shoulder and opened the door. 

The lobby was plain but pleasant. There was a shoe rack and a basket full of slippers by the entrance. Link rolled his eyes, removed his high top sneakers and replaced them with a pair of brown crochet cotton slippers. There was a woman standing behind a desk who motioned him over. She had strawberry blonde hair with purple and blue streaks throughout. She wore linen pants and a flowy cotton blouse embroidered with bright flowers on the shoulders. “Hi, I’m uhhh Link Neal,” he said, unsure of what to do or say. 

“Hi Link, I’m Tess!” she said brightly. “Let me get you all settled in. You nervous?”

“Yeah,” he said with a weary grin.

“It’s all good, man. You’ll want to quit. God, every fibre of your being will want to run. But trust me. Stick it out.”

Link nodded.

“Alright, pop your bag up here please,” she said, patting the desk. 

“You’re gonna search my bag?” Link asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Sorry, gotta check for contraband. Ultimately, it’s to make sure you and the other participants have the best experience.”

He sighed and lifted his black Adidas duffle bag on the desk. 

She methodically searched his perfectly folded clothes, checking the pockets of his pants and every cranny. He scowled as she unceremoniously crammed his unfolded clothes back in his bag. 

“Ok, all done. These stay with me,” she said pointing to the notepad and pens, bottle of Tylenol, small stash of candy bars, and a pack of gum. “And I’ll need your phone too.”

“Naturally,” Link sneered as he reached into the pocket of his denim jacket. He hesitated for a second before handing it over. His phone was his lifeline and livelihood. He sighed and dropped the phone in her hand. 

She labeled and sealed all of his belongings in a canvas bag and stowed it in a locked cabinet.

“Okay, you ready? We’re gonna go through these doors, and that’s when the silence starts. I’ll show you around and then you’ll go to the hall for a brief orientation. And then to bed. 4am comes awfully early.”

“There’s a 4am?” Link joked.

Tess grinned and held the door open for him. He let out a long sigh and walked through the doors. Ten days. No talking. 

Tess gave him a tour of the dorms, the dining hall, she pointed out the laundry room, and left him in the meditation hall. “The seminar is going to start in about ten minutes. There are mats in the corner there if you’d prefer to sit on one. Men on the left side of the hall, women on the right.” Link nodded. _A load of good it does separating the genders for a big homo like me_. He grabbed a mat and awkwardly sat cross legged on the floor. Maybe wearing his skinniest skinny jeans was not the best idea. At least he had the good sense to pack mostly sweatpants and joggers.

The hall was big and round. Well, more like octagonal. One side had giant windows that looked out into the valley below them. The other walls were perfectly plain, painted off white. The floor bleached wood. He supposed the monochromatic decor was designed to not distract from the task at hand, and god if he didn’t want a distraction. 

Almost all the ten participants had arrived. Most of them looked like lost twenty-somethings looking to find themselves as they journeyed into adulthood. At forty years old he felt downright ancient.

A tall man walked into the hall. Exceptionally tall. He stooped under the door frame and his hair bounced as it squeezed through the opening. Link wasn’t sure what to make of him. He had wild curly dark blonde hair and a fairly long but well maintained beard. He wondered if this guy was going through some sort of midlife crisis. The woven orange shirt and green linen pants, which were both too short for his long frame, didn’t seem to suit this guy. Goofy outfit aside, Link couldn’t help but stare at him. How his long fingers smoothed out the mat and how he folded his long legs around each other. _Of course there would have to be a hot guy here_. There was something familiar about him too. Link wondered if he was some sort of minor celebrity, but for the life of him he couldn’t place the giant blonde.

The teacher, a short man with ginger hair and a beard to match, took his position at the front of the hall.

“Hello!” he said with a quiet but joyful voice. “My name is Micah and I will be leading you through your Vipassana training. The next ten days will be difficult. There’s no denying that,” he gave a soft smile and pushed up his wire framed glasses.

“You will endure emotional and physical challenges unlike anything you have ever experienced. It doesn’t seem like sitting for ten hours a day would be grueling, but it is. Your body will hurt in places you didn’t even know existed.”

Link looked around and saw a few of the returning participants nod with knowing smiles. 

“Some of you are here because you have anxiety, or stress, or are looking for answers. But really, you’re all looking for the same thing. To learn how to quiet your mind. To still things so you can look deep inside. That can be a terrifying prospect. Some of you may realize truths about yourself that have been buried deep for decades. I promise you will make it through, and you will be stronger for enduring this physical and mental pain.”

Link’s lips were dry and he licked them nervously.

“Now, a few rules,” Micah said.

“No speaking, talking, eye contact, writing, or non-verbal communication unless absolutely necessary. Keep your cravings in check. Your body will try to betray you. The lack of stimulation causes you to crave, and those cravings are detrimental to the process. Cravings can be the urge to overeat, which will leave you sluggish and sleepy. Eat until you are satisfied but not over full.”

Link’s stomach rumbled as it tried to digest his greasy dinner.

“You may be tempted to nap. That's just another form of escape. You're here to work. We rise at four in the morning and rest at nine in the evening. Sleeping more than this will cause you to be drowsy and unfocused.”

Link stifled a yawn. The nap in the car hadn't been nearly long enough to make up for the days of sleep debt. 

“Your body can also crave sexual release. You must abstain. It’s easy to see an attractive person across the room and to escape into fantasy. That’s ultimately keeping you from your goal here.”

Link’s eyes wandered to the tall guy a few rows over. But how could they not? He was just _so pretty._ Anyway, he didn’t give a shit about the process or finding inner peace or any of it. He just wanted to go home,write an article about how this was a bunch of mumbo jumbo, and move on with his life. 

“The schedule for the day is as follows,” Micah continued. 

“At four and four-fifteen the waking gongs will sound. Meditation begins at half past four until half past eight. Breakfast is from half past eight until nine. We return to the hall from nine till one for guided meditation. Then we break for lunch from one till half passed. One thirty to two thirty is free time. Two thirty till four thirty we watch a discourse video about your meditation practice by Vipassana scholar: S.N. Goenka Four thirty till five is tea. Five until nine is free time and nine is lights out for bed.”

Link’s head was spinning. He knew what he was getting into, but eight to ten hours of sitting with nothing but his thoughts seemed like absolute torture. 

“Now we will assign you to your dormitories, and give you some time to get settled in and to bed. Room one will be Ellie and Emily. Room two will be Jen and Casey. Room three will be Josh and Alex. Room four will be Link and-”

 _Please not the hot one, please not the hot one,_ Link silently prayed.

“Rhett.”

The tall man looked over to Link and nodded.

_Fuck._

“At that leaves Chase and Kevin in room five. Once again, welcome. I hope you all find what you are looking for during your time here. May all beings be happy!” Micah waved and the participants rose and put their mats away. They slowly filed out of the room and back to their dormitories. 

Link got turned around but eventually found the way to his room. It was sparse, but clean and serene. The walls were painted a light sage green. There were plain bleached pine bunk beds in one corner with matching dressers on either side of the room. Two large round cushions sat on the floor in front of a large picture window that looked over the gardens. Off the room was a small ensuite bathroom with a shower, sink and toilet. _At least the showers aren’t communal_ , Link thought.

The tall beautiful man from the hall was unpacking his suitcase into a chest of drawers. He seemed to have already claimed the bottom bunk, likely on account of his height. _Of course it’s him. Rhett,_ Link thought. The man’s eyes met Link’s and he gave him a small nod of recognition before he returned to his task. Link only saw his eyes for a moment but they were such a lovely shade of grey-green Link could feel the blush rise on his cheeks. _Get it together Neal. He’s probably straight. And it’s not like you can even ask so just get those thoughts out of your head._ He started unpacking his own suitcase. Rhett awkwardly shimmied past him to get to the small closet to hang up a few things. _Well, at least you won’t have to make small talk_. Link silently chuckled to himself. Link grabbed his toiletry bag and pyjamas and made his way to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and splashed cool water on his face. He looked in the mirror, at his greying hair and tired eyes. The last two years in Los Angeles had been hard on him. He sighed and made his way back to the shared bedroom.

Rhett was already in bed, the blankets pulled half way up his bare chest. _I swear, if he’s sleeping naked…_ Link thought as he surveyed the long lean man spread out on the bottom bunk. He sighed silently and climbed the ladder to his bed.

Link tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. It was so dang quiet. Normally he would have a white noise machine,a podcast playing, and he would be scrolling through Reddit until his eyes were too heavy to keep going. Plus it was nine o’clock. He hadn’t gone to bed that early in thirty-some years. 

He sighed quietly and gently tapped on the wall behind his head. It was something he would do as a child to help himself fall asleep. The man below him quietly cleared his throat, and Link stopped tapping on the wall. _Shit, sorry_.


	2. Day 1- Atanatiya Sutta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link begins his first day of Vipassana meditation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you’d like to listen to day 1 morning chant you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2Vnc1Sg2DA)
> 
> If you’d like to listen to day 1 discourse it can be found [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cz7QHNvNFfA&t=13s)
> 
> Thanks to MythicalCatie and LikeASwitchInHeat for being the best beta babes ever!

“Ughhhhhh,” Link moaned, the second morning gong still reverberating in his ears. He was a morning person, sure, but four am was ungodly early. He looked out the window at the sky that was still pitch black and twinkling with starlight. It was beautiful though, how clear the sky was out here. It was the first time he’d really seen the stars in a long time without the cover of smog and light pollution that eschewed them in Los Angeles. 

His handsome roommate, Rhett, was already up and making use of the washroom. Link managed to pull himself out of the warmth of his bed and hop down from the top bunk. He opened his dresser and pulled out loose grey yoga pants and a black t-shirt that said “I Hate This” in white block letters, a small protest against the experience he was about to embark on. 

Rhett emerged from the bathroom in nothing but black boxer briefs. Link’s breath hitched at the long lean man in front of him whose skin was still damp from showering. He tried not to look, but the waistband of the briefs caught his attention. They had a stylized white eagle with the letters E and A on either side of it. _What kind of hippie wears Emporio Armani underwear?!_ Link thought to himself as the man pulled on white linen pants and a matching tunic, both frightfully too short for him. 

The pair made their way silently to the meditation hall. They grabbed mats and sat down. Link chose to sit at the back; he wanted to watch everyone. He was here to write an article, after all. Rhett chose to sit closer to the window, presumably to watch the sunrise over the desert valley.

The rest of the participants filed in. Many stifling yawns, a few with blankets wrapped around them, their bodies still shivering as they attempted to wake up.

When everyone was settled, Micah nodded and pressed play on a stereo system. Link was taken aback at first as a booming voice played over the speakers hidden around the room. He thought this was supposed to be a silent retreat. It was a mix of singing, chanting, a guttural throat noises. Link couldn’t tell what language was being spoken, or if it was any language at all. The melody was dissonant and nasally, it got under his skin and made him wince. It also gave him an instant headache. 

He looked around the room at his fellow participants and started to make mental notes for his article. He was so curious about what drew them all here, especially his enigma of a roommate. Back in Raleigh, only an absolute weirdo would go for something like this, but in Los Angeles, this was pretty standard. He wondered why, at an Indian meditation centre, every single participant and all the staff were white. He scoffed at the cultural appropriation. How these white kids were wearing traditional kurtas over galaxy print leggings. One girl even had the audacity to wear a bindi on her forehead. In so many of the things he reported on, they were traditional and holy; and some LA asshole perverted it for profit, turned it into something hollow and it angered him. 

He surveyed the room. He watched how his fellow students sat motionless, closed their eyes, steadied their breath and leaned into the meditation. He struggled. He fidgeted, never able to find a comfortable position. He wished he had brought a hoodie. He didn’t realize how cold he would get sitting still on the floor in the early morning hours. The tag in his t-shirt felt like a razor blade pressed against the back of his neck. He was keenly aware of the elastic waistband of his pants, and how every seam dug into his flesh.

His mind wandered. To his job that he didn’t find challenging or satisfying. To his lovelife that had been incredibly empty in the last year. His finger traced the simple black band, tattooed on his left ring finger. A lasting reminder of his mistakes. He snapped his eyes shut. He wasn’t going to go there. He never wanted to go there again. Instead he did multiplication tables in his head, recited his favourite poems. _The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep,_ he thought as he fought off a yawn. 

Four hours of evading his thoughts was absolutely exhausting. He wanted to check out, to retreat into the blackness of sleep. He almost jumped for joy when the chanting ended and he was able to unfold his legs and stand. But when he stood, all he felt was pain. Sharp pain radiating from his hips all the way down his legs. He was keenly aware of every single vertebrae in his spine. His left arm screamed in pain, almost as bad as the day he broke it. _I’ll skip breakfast, get a 20 minute power nap in and then make it to the next session,_ he told himself as he parted ways from the group headed to the dining hall, and instead went back to his room. He collapsed into his bunk, and soon the sweet relief of sleep washed over him.

He woke up to Micah gently shaking him awake. He looked out the large picture window and saw the sun hanging low in the sky. He guessed it was mid afternoon by how the joshua trees that peppered the property cast their shadows. “Shit, I’m sorry. I must have…” he started frantically, but Micah held a finger to his lips. Link nodded in embarrassment. _Right. No talking._

“Link, I know you’re a skeptic. I can spot one a mile away. If you don't want to be here, you don’t have to be. You can leave at any time. But if you want to stay, you need to take this seriously. The program is difficult, but it’s the way it is for a reason.”

Link nodded. Despite not wanting to be here, he didn’t want to disrespect the program or the other participants.

“Look, all I know is no one who has stayed the entire time has regretted it. And everyone who has left early has. So, the choice is yours, but if you’re here, be here.”

Link nodded solemnly. 

“Discourse begins in fifteen minutes. If you want to leave, that’s fine, but make a commitment one way or another now,” he said as he left the room before Link could respond.

Link felt like an ass. Of course he thought this was stupid and he’d rather be at home, but he didn’t mean to disrespect anyone. Micah was right. He had committed to do this. Even if all he got out of it was an article, he needed to show up to observe. 

He splashed some water on his face and booked it to the meditation hall. Micah smiled knowingly at him as Link situated himself on the floor. 

“Welcome, friends. In our discourses we will watch a video by S.N. Goenka, one of the most prolific teachers of Vipassana, who I was lucky enough to train under many years ago before he departed this Earth. I hope you find it enlightening.”

Micah pressed play on the large television that had been wheeled into the hall. The screen came to life with an old Indian man, dressed all in white, sitting on a meditation cushion. A middle aged woman to his left was dressed in a pink saree. “The first day is over,” he said softly in slow measured tones. “You have nine more left to work. To work very hard. To get the best result of your stay here you have to work very hard. Diligently. Ardently. Patiently. But, persistently. Continuously. It is your own hard work which will give you the best fruits of your stay here. Nothing else. From morning four… four thirty, ‘til night, nine… nine thirty. You’re to keep on working diligently. Continuously.” 

He continued on about the importance of hard work. Of how important it was to dedicate oneself to the process. By not fighting your breath. If your body wants to breathe deep or shallow, through one nostril or both, it doesn’t matter. The is nothing wrong with the way your body breathes. Not to control your body but accept it. “The final goal is to change the behaviour pattern of the mind which keeps on being agitated all the time. Something unwanted happens in the life and they keep on happening. One starts tying knots. Starts building up tensions. Starts generating negativities. Something wanted does not happen in the life. Some obstacles come and one starts building up negativity, tension, hatred, ill will. Tying knots. Tying knots all the time. One has become a bundle of knots… constant tying of knots is going on, constant tension that makes one so miserable.”

Link sighed. Even through the video he felt called out. Like he was being seen so clearly in a way no one had even seen him before. That this man understood his pain in a way no one else could. 

The video continued about how one must confront the source of their misery in order to untie the knots inside them in order to free themselves. “All the saints, and sages, and seers of the past have said, ‘know thyself’.” He went on to talk about how your reality is your own. That dogma is useless because the experience of Buddha or Jesus or Mohammed is their experience and following in their path will not allow you to be enlightened. You need to find your own enlightenment. To find peace and to live in harmony with the universe and how that all begins with learning how to breathe.

He reiterated the rules that Micah had laid out the night before. To not overeat or oversleep. To not be distracted by sexual desire. To fight the desire to speak to or touch or glance at the fellow students. And, above all else, to fully commit yourself for the next ten days to working. “Make use of it to come out of the bondages, the shackles, the chains of ignorance, of craving, of aversion. To enjoy real peace, real harmony, real happiness. May all of you enjoy real peace, real harmony, real happiness!” He closed his eyes and began to sing a gutteral chant similar to what they had listened to in that morning's session. 

* * *

Micah switched off the television. “Congratulations, you have completed your first day of Vipassana! We will gather in the dining hall for tea, and then you may enjoy some free time to continue your meditation practice or reflect on what you have accomplished today. Rest well everyone, we continue tomorrow. May all beings be happy!”

The participants filtered into the dining hall. Link’s stomach grumbled. He’d slept through both meals that day, and the evening meal wasn’t much, basically tea and fruit. He grabbed a mango and a mug of camomile tea. It wasn’t much, like he had said, but hopefully it would be enough to tide him over until breakfast the next day.

The dining hall emptied as people filtered back to their dormitories. Link walked slowly down the hall. He wasn't particularly tired given his long nap, so he went out to the grounds for a while to wander in the garden. The night desert air was cool, and he wrapped his arms around himself as he watched the breeze blow across the small lake. He had a choice to make. He could spend the next nine days miserable, fighting every second of the process, or he could succumb to it. Actually try to get something out of it. 

By the time he got back to the room, Rhett was fast asleep, likely exhausted from the grueling day. Link quietly retrieved his toiletries and entered the shower. He stripped down and turned the water as hot as it would go. Under the hot stream, he let the tears fall. He was scared. He didn’t know if he was ready. Ready to face his true self. Ready to finally make peace with what had happened. The tears, like the shower, were cleansing and refreshed. He knew what he had to do.


	3. Day 2 - Ratana Sutta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link tries to survive the discomfort of hours of meditation. his handsome roommate comes to his aid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you'd like to listen to day 2 chant you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SU93O7nkdXI)
> 
> if you'd like to listen to day 2 lecture you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYG5VvHry7c)

Despite the long nap the previous day, he managed to get a decent night of sleep and rose with the gong. Rhett was already up, pulling on brown linen pants and a purple tunic. Link dug through his dresser and pulled out a grey v-neck t-shirt and black joggers. The pants were loose in the crotch and thighs, but aggressively tapered to tight elastic banded ankles. The pockets had chunky silver zippers. Suffice it to say they were fashionable albeit not very functional. But he would have felt like a dork if he had been dressed like Rhett.

He made his way to the mediation hall with a newfound sense of resolve. He was going to do this. To give it all he had. Like yesterday, Micah queued up the audio and the voice of S.N. Goenkaji began singing the daily chant that accompanied the morning sit. Link squirmed. He tried to focus on being still, on breathing but it was a struggle. For four hours, he fought his grumbling belly which hadn’t eaten since Monday night, aside from a bit of fruit and tea. He fought his joints which ached due to lack of movement. He fought the dull ache that radiated from behind his eyes to the top of his head from caffeine withdrawal. But he did it. He made it through and was proud of himself when he was able to stand and fold up his mat. 

The centre had, at one point, been a large lake house in the middle of an oasis in the Joshua Tree desert. The dining hall seemed like it had been mostly unchanged during the renovations and had a nice homey feel to it. A long oak table with a dozen chairs stretched out through the middle of the room. Along one wall was a simple buffet. Normally Link would have a bowl of cereal and call it a day, but the food here was all vegan. He hesitantly made his way to the buffet table and was pleased to find homemade granola, full of nuts and seeds, baked golden brown. He put a hearty portion in a bowl and surveyed the milk options. Soy, coconut or oat milk… he took a sniff of the oat milk and it wasn't immediately offensive, so he put a good splash in his bowl. He grabbed an apple and a mug of herbal tea and sat down at the table. He was across from Rhett who had a plate piled high with fruit, oat cakes smeared with almond butter, and a steaming cup of tea as well as a glass of some sort of green smoothie.

Link hesitantly took a bite of his granola. It wasn’t mini wheats, but it was good, and at this point he was so hungry it didn’t really matter. It had a hint of cinnamon and the oat milk soaked into the granola just enough to leave it still crisp but not overly crunchy. He chewed each bite thoroughly, taking sips of peppery herbal tea in between. He felt a bit of relief that at least he wouldn’t starve for the next ten days. It wasn’t what he was used to eating, but it was would sustain him and at this point he would take what little pleasures he could during this trying time. 

They weren't supposed to make eye contact, but Link allowed his eyes to flick up in tiny intervals to watch Rhett scarf down his food. His hunger seemed insatiable as he polished off his entire plate before Link had even had a few bites. His head wiggled a little as he tried to shove an entire oatcake into his tiny mouth, eventually giving up and breaking it into quarters. When he was done Rhett sat back in his chair, satisfied, as he sipped the remainder of his tea.

The half hour for breakfast passed quickly, and soon Link found himself back in the mediation hall. Micah took a seat at the front of the room in front of a microphone. “Welcome, all! Like yesterday, the second session will be a guided meditation. Please take a moment to get comfortable.” He paused while the participants settled themselves. Link was grateful that there wouldn’t be four hours of guttural chants and moans playing over the loudspeaker like there had been that morning.

“In Vipassana, the breath is very important, so today I want you to make that your focus. Take slow breaths in through your nose, and exhale fully through your nose. Keep your mouth relaxed but closed.” Micah demonstrated, and the microphone picked up his rhythmic breath. He did this for a few minutes, inhaling and exhaling until everyone in the room was breathing along with him. A feeling of connectedness washed over Link, like he was one limb of a giant organism that all shared the same lungs. 

“Vipassana roughly translates to ‘clear sight’ or ‘seeing reality as it is.’ Many people believe that meditation is about emptying one’s mind. To reach some state of nothingness. But that’s not the case. The goal is to see things clearly. To reach a place of acceptance and wholeness,” he continued as he breathed into the microphone.

“Close your eyes. Position your head as if you are looking at the ground about five feet in front of you. Point your third eye, the spot between your eyebrows, at this spot of the floor with your eyes closed.”

Link removed his glasses and gently placed them on the floor beside him.

“Feel the air breeze past the tip of your nose as your inhale and exhale. Keep the breath slow and steady, completely filling your lungs and completely emptying them,” he said as he breathed slowly into the microphone.

Several minutes passed of Micah breathing into the microphone before he spoke again. “Feel the muscle at the top of your abdominals, at the bottom of your chest. Feel it rise and fall with your breath. Follow the breath from the room, into your nose, down through your chest into your belly and back out of your lungs, through your nose, back into the room.” He paused again for several minutes, the microphone silent aside from the breath.

“Focus on the sensation of your breath, of how your body feels. Don’t subscribe words to the feeling. Just feel it. As thoughts come up, allow them to float away and return to your centre, to your breath.” He paused again for a while. Allowing his breath to guide the group. 

“By now, your sense of self should start to dissipate. You are one with the universe. The rise and fall of your breath is not your breathing. It is the tide, it is the sunrise and sunset. You are the wind in a tree rustling the leaves, you are a cloud gliding effortlessly through the sky. You are the earth. You are the universe.” 

Link’s body tingled with a lightness. The discomfort of sitting eased as he continued to breathe. 

“Slowly open your eyes. Take a moment to come back to your body,” Micah said softly into the microphone. Link couldn’t believe the four hours had passed, but he slowly opened his eyes and put on his glasses. “May all beings be happy!” Micah said with a shy grin as he rose and exited the hall.

Link was surprised with how invigorated he felt. The morning session had been downright painful, but this was alright. He didn’t exactly experience anything mind blowing. He figured he maybe got a little bit high from the method of breathing. That he was slightly oxygen deprived, hence the tingly lightheaded feeling he was experiencing.

The group made their way back to the dining hall for lunch. A huge pot of dhal and brown rice awaited them, along with a salad full of vegetables with a herb vinaigrette. Link served himself a plate and sat down. He was delighted with how delicious it was, aside from the tomatoes which he plucked out of his salad and exiled to the rim of his plate. The dhal was flavourful without being overly spicy. The salad was bright and acidic, bursting with fresh herbs. Somehow, sitting for four hours, he had worked up quite an appetite. 

Rhett sat beside him, and Link noticed a change in how his roommate ate his lunch. At breakfast he practically shoveled food into his mouth as quickly as possible, but now he attempted some restraint. He took a forkful of food, put it in his mouth, put the fork down and his hands in his lap. He made an obvious effort to slow down, to be mindful and eat with purpose. He still ate twice as fast as Link, and got up for seconds, but he was trying.

After lunch was an hour of free time. The group dispersed, many going down to the lake or the garden. Link instead retreated to his room. Throughout lunch, he had noticed a burning sensation on his calves and he needed to investigate. Once in his room, he peeled off his pants, angry at himself for bringing them. The elastic cuffs around his ankles had dug into his skin, leaving sore red welts that were hot to the touch. His t-shirt, which was nothing special, hadn’t done him any favours either. It was normally comfortable but after sitting so long in it, it felt itchy and weird. He stripped down to his boxers and sat on his bed, his legs dangling off the bunk, and gently rubbed his sore calves, trying to bring some relief. 

Rhett quietly entered the room. Link was a little embarrassed by his state of undress, but he’d seen Rhett in his underwear, and they weren't supposed to be looking at each other anyway, right? He continued to examine the sores caused by the elastic. He winced, more with surprise than pain when he felt a long, slim finger graze his calf. He looked down to see Rhett examining his wounds. Their eyes met for a long moment, Link struggled to look away but eventually, Rhett broke. He went into the bathroom and returned a moment later with a tube of cream that he handed to Link. It was white with yellow flowers on it and in purple text read: _Arnica Cream. All natural anti-inflammatory. Homeopathic. Good for muscle stiffness, bruises, abrasions, joint pain, headaches, swelling._ Link rolled his eyes. Like one flower could cure all those things, but he opened and rubbed a little on his welts. Within a few seconds his skin cooled and his pain eased somewhat. For good measure he applied another layer of the cream. He handed the tube back to Rhett, who put it on top of Link’s dresser, a silent invitation to use more if he needed it. 

Rhett lay down on the floor on his stomach and raised his upper body on his hands into a cobra position to stretch out his lower back. Link watched Rhett’s eyes flutter shut. He looked like he was in pain, but as he deepened the position, the tension left his body and his face became serene. Link motioned for permission to join him, and Rhett nodded. Rhett led him through a series of poses, nothing Link was unfamiliar with. Warrior, warrior two, tree pose, cat, upward dog into downward dog. Link struggled. His hips were still stiff from all the sitting, and his downward dog position was all wrong. His back and shoulders were round and hunched, and he felt a twinge between his shoulder blades. Rhett stood and moved behind Link. He bent over him and ran his broad hand gently, but firmly, along Link’s spine, encouraging him to straighten it. He cupped the back of his head and allowed it to fall in line. He smoothed his hands back down Link’s naked back to his hips. He grasped them, and guided them until they were square. “Oh,” Link whispered as Rhett’s fingers pressed into the dimples in the small of his back. Rhett returned to his spot on the floor, into his own downward facing dog pose. 

Link wasn’t sure if it was from the yoga or the contact, but he was out of breath. It had been a while since anyone had touched him, let alone someone as handsome as Rhett. It was so innocent, yet so intimate. He cleared his throat and hastily made his way to the shower. He was already half hard in his boxers, and had to get out of there before things got worse. _It’s like Micah said._ He thought to himself. _It’s a distraction. You aren’t really attracted to him. That’s not why you’re here. You’re just craving stimulation._ He turned the water as cold as it would go, until his arousal dissipated and he could no longer feel Rhett’s hands on his skin.

He emerged from the shower, a towel wrapped tightly around his waist. He pulled out a pair of boxers and put them on under the towel before he hung it up to dry. He smeared on another layer of arnica cream to his welts, and dug through his dresser for something to wear. Everything had elastic cuffs or seem itchy. He sighed as he sorted through the pile, wishing he’d put more thought into his clothing choices. Rhett looked through his own dresser and pulled out a pair of loose black linen pants and an embroidered olive tunic, and handed them to Link. Link looked up, confused. Rhett gave a little shrug and tried to hide the grin under his moustache. Link smiled at the man’s generosity and pulled on the outfit. He understood now why Rhett and the other participants dressed this way. There were no tags, no rough seams. The fabric was natural and breathable. It was so much more comfortable than his designer sweatpants.

The gong sounded, and they made their way back to the hall for discourse. Micah pressed play on the TV and once again S.N. Goenka appeared on the screen in a white shirt and green pants that wrapped around his waist. “The second day is over. You now have eight more left to work. To work diligently. Ardently. Second day, slightly better than the first day. _Slightly_ better.” A few of the students stifled a chuckle. He spoke about how on the second day their minds were still wild. Like a wild animal. Like a monkey swinging from tree to tree wildly grasping at branches. Like a bull seeing red and reacting without care for consequences. How the wild agitated mind was a dangerous thing. And how, like with a wild animal, training takes time, patience and compassion. “No one can harm us more than our own wild mind. And no one can help us more than our tamed mind.” He reiterated how one can only be liberated if they are prepared to do the work, to walk the path of Vipassana. To surrender themselves to it in order to find their own salvation. He continued on about the technique. About the importance of breath. That one should acknowledge sensations, but not act on them. Feel an itch, but don’t scratch. Let it sit, and it will dissipate on its own. How the same can be said of feelings. Anger arises. Don’t act on it. Quiet your mind, and let it pass.

After discourse, the group filed into the dining hall for tea. Link grabbed a mug of peppermint tea and a small bowl of berries. Rhett had turmeric ginger tea and a few slices of melon. Not eating dinner was an adjustment for sure, but there was a niceness to not being stuffed with a heavy meal before bed. Link ate slowly beside Rhett. A few times Rhett’s thigh pressed into his, but then recoiled. _I’m sure it’s just an accident,_ Link thought.

After tea, the pair made their way back to the room. Link brushed his teeth and promptly collapsed into his bed. It was only five PM, but he was exhausted. He had a lot of work to do.


	4. Day 3- Karaniya Metta Sutta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link reflects on his relationship with Christy, and turns to Rhett for comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you'd like to listen to the day 3 chant you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nv0ghtK1xzM&t=930s)
> 
> if you'd like to listen to the day 3 lecture you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXXnSK2a47w&t=1414s)

** Day 3- Karaniya Metta Sutta **

Link woke up with the gong and groggily made his way to the washroom. When he returned to the room, Rhett handed him a clean set of clothes. He didn’t want to accept his generosity, but the thought of sitting in itchy polyester made his skin crawl. So, he put on the billowy paisley print pants and soft cream collarless shirt. He grabbed a grey hoodie, too, as he had found the last few mornings chilly. He pulled the hood over his head and tucked his hands in his pockets as he and Rhett walked side by side to their morning session.

They grabbed their mats and sat. The rest of the participants filtered in, and like the past two mornings, Micah pressed play on the stereo and slow offkey chanting filled the room. Each morning had been different, yet the same. Droning, and often a nasally and dissonant mix of chanting and singing. This morning’s chat was slow and the bass notes reverberated in Link’s chest as he took off his glasses, and safely stowed them in the pocket of his hoodie. He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, allowing the voice to wash over him. He breathed slowly in and out of his nose, paying attention to his breath. 

His eyes remained closed, but he could feel the sun rise over the desert valley through the large window. He could feel the rays warm his skin, and how his vision was flooded with the pleasing peachy pink of sun on his closed eyelids. It reminded him of the first day of school back in Buies Creek, how it was always cold and dark when he got up; but by the time morning recess came around, it was warm and sunny. How, even though he was at school, it still felt like summer.

* * *

Suddenly he was there, back on the playground on the first day of first grade. He could smell the freshly mown grass, and hear the laughter of the other children. He was standing alone in the yard, watching the other children, when a bunch of third graders crowded around him. 

“If it isn’t Pink Neal,” one of the older boys said.

“My- my name is Link,” he said softly, as he pushed up his glasses.

“Nah, I’m gonna call you Pink. Since you’re such a sissy,” the older boy said, pushing him to the ground. 

“Leave him alone,” a girl’s voice said. 

Link looked up to see a pretty blonde girl, her hair in braided pigtails. She wore a blue floral smocked dress and white patent leather shoes with white knee socks. She was short, but a little stocky. More than that, there was just something about her presencethat said, despite her pretty dress - she meant business. She wedged herself between Link and the older boy. “What, you gonna pick on a little girl?” she said with her hands on her hips, her chest puffed out to be as tough as possible.

The bully stood there for a beat, mouth agape. “Come on guys,” he said to his friends, “We wouldn’t want to ruin this little lady’s pretty dress.” He sneered as they walked away.

“Um, thanks,” Link said with a sheepish grin.

“Anytime,” she said as she helped him up off the ground. “I’m Christy, I just moved here. Wanna be my best friend?”

Link chuckled, he’d struggled all through kindergarten. All he wanted was a best friend, and here she was. “Okay, I’m Link.”

“Tag, you’re it!” she said, slapping him on the shoulder as she took off across the yard. He smiled widely and gave her a few second head start before taking off after her, giggling wildly.

* * *

He opened his eyes and sighed deeply, breaking his pattern of breath. It was one of his favourite memories. Christy had stood up for him their whole lives, and the one time he should have stood up for her, he didn’t. He had failed, and things had somehow gone so horribly wrong. He felt the sting of tears in the corner of his eyes; but he fought it, instead focusing on the chanting, on his breath.

His mind kept wandering to the night it happened. But everytime he got close to going back there, he diverted to a happier Christy memory. To playdates as youngers, adventures on the Cape Fear River, doing homework together in her living room. Anything but that night. He wasn’t ready to go there yet. 

Finally, the session ended. He was exhausted. He had spent four hours fighting with himself. Fighting a memory that his subconscious desperately wanted him to remember.

The group made their way to the dining hall. A steaming pot of oatmeal cooked with apples and raisins awaited them. He was starving. He served himself a hearty bowl drizzled with maple syrup, accompanied by a mug of peppermint tea. He slid into his chair beside Rhett and ate. The warm oats were comforting and eased his agitation somewhat, but he was afraid of what would come up in the next session. He wasn’t sure if he had the ability to fight it anymore. 

A quick trip to the washroom and he was back in the meditation hall, ready for the second sit. Micah sat on the small stage and gently guided them through their breathing. In slowly through the nose, out slowly through the nose, focusing on the nostrils and the feeling of the breath rushing past the area just beneath them. Hours and hours of breathing. In through the nose, out through the nose, in through the nose-

* * *

They were in Christy’s teenage bedroom, lying lazily on the threadbare floral quilt on her twin bed. Her walls plastered with posters of bands and Tiger Beat centrefolds. He had his head resting on her stomach, a book propped up on his knees as he lay perpendicular to her. Her fingers lazily twirled his hair as she read a book of her own. 

“Chris?” Link said, as he closed his book at looked up at her.

“Yeah, Bo?” 

“How would you feel if one of your friends were gay?” he asked quietly.

She closed her book and they both changed positions, sitting cross-legged across from each other. “Well… I know Pastor John says it’s a sin, but I don’t see how two people loving each other can be wrong.”

Link let out a slow sigh. He fidgeted with the hem of his pants, “What if that friend was me?”

“Hey,” she said, taking his hand in hers. “I’d be your best friend no matter what. And I would tell you I've known for years, and was waiting for you to tell me on your terms.”

He looked up with teary eyes and threw his arms around her waist.

She held him for a while as he sobbed into her shoulder. “Thank you,” he said, kissing her on the cheek.

“For what?” she asked, wiping his tears away.

“For being the best friend a guy could have. I swear, I wouldn’t have survived here without you.”

Christy’s mom poked her head into her room, “You two okay? No funny business going on in here I hope!”

The pair collapsed into a fit of laughter, “No mom, no funny business,” Christy said through giggles.

“You stayin’ for supper, Lincoln?’ her mom asked.

“Yes Mama White, if that’s alright,” he said with a grin.

“Of course, darlin’. I already set a place for you,” she said with a wink. “Come down in ten,” she said as she disappeared from the doorway.

“Christy, you got a prom date yet?” 

“Nah, all the boys here are gross. I can’t wait till we get to NC State and I can get my hands on a college boy!”

“I hear ya!” he said giving her a high five. “You wanna go to prom with me?” he asked with a tiny smirk.

“I’d love to,” she replied.

* * *

Christy had been too good to him. Too patient and kind. She’d always been on his side, and he hadn’t done the same for her. His eyes stung with tears as he came back to the present, to the dull hum of the meditation hall.

He was the last to leave the hall after the session was over. He needed an extra few moments to compose himself before going to lunch. Finally, though, the rumbling in his stomach forced him to get up and make his way to the dining hall. Lunch was sweet potato and black bean burritos with an avocado corn salad. It was delicious and he was ravenous. He glanced around the table at his peers, wondering if they looked as rough as he felt. Around the table he spotted a few sets of puffy eyes, exhausted faces and it looked like everyone had at least a low grade headache. 

After lunch, he returned to his room for a while to relax before discourse. He sat on a large, round pillow on the floor looking out into the desert. Rhett arrived shortly after and joined him. He enjoyed just being in Rhett’s presence. He could feel warmth radiating off Rhett’s body on the cushion beside him. It was comforting and grounding to have some small connection with another human. Sometimes he felt like a ghost here, just a floating ball of emotion that no one else could see. But Rhett saw him. He had caught Rhett glancing at him more than once, and he would be a liar if he said he hadn’t done the same. It felt like some sort of chaste flirting, allowing tiny glances. He wanted to just stare, drink him in in his totality but instead he painted a picture of Rhett piece by piece. The small patch of grey in his beard, how he held his left pinky out awkwardly, his narrow feet, the V of his hip-bones as they curved down under his waistband. He wondered what Rhett saw when he looked at him. If he was really looking at all or it was just wishful thinking. _Maybe after all of this we could go on a date,_ Link thought to himself. But then he remembered that’s not why he was here. That this was just another distraction.

The gong rang and the pair headed back to the hall for discourse. They settled in front of the television and Micah hit play. Just as the previous days, the video of S. N. Goenka filled the screen, and he began to speak in soft measured tones. “The third day is over. You have seven more left to work. Tomorrow, the fourth day, is a very important day for you. You will start practicing Vipassana.”

 _Start practicing Vipassana? What have I been doing for the past three days?!_

“Whatever you have been practicing for these three days has been a very important prerequisite for your work tomorrow These three days you have been preparing yourself to start the actual work of Vipassana meditation.”

He spoke about how the goal of Vipassana is full liberation. Liberation from anger, negative thoughts, expectations, resentments. 

Link so desperately wanted that. To be liberated from his past mistakes, all the hurt and anger he carried around in his heart. The first three days had been rough, and no doubt the next seven would be worse. But if he could come out the other side liberated, well, it would all be worth it.

Discourse ended and they had tea and free time until lights out. Link grabbed an apple and went down to the lake for a while. He listened to the wind rustling in the palm trees as he skipped stones across the small lake, watching the ripple in the water as they hit and skipped across the surface. He smiled as he remembered skipping stones with Christy across Buies Creek. How she’d been such a little tom boy who blossomed into a beautiful woman. He missed her so much. 

Christy and her family had been so kind to him. Kinder than his own family. As he walked back to his room, he went back to a warm summer day working on his father’s farm. He had just graduated highschool and would be going off to college in a few weeks. He was in the middle of his first summer fling with a twenty-something farmhand named Brian. It started with light flirting, Link challenging Brian to arm wrestling or push up contests, but eventually they were stealing away any moment they could. Link couldn’t resist his thick arms as he pushed him up against the back of the barn, his stubble scraping against his neck. He loved the feeling of Brian’s large hands wrapped around his tiny hips as he’d fuck Link against the rough barnboard.

* * *

“What the heck is going on, Link?” his father yelled as he came around the corner.

The pair quickly separated and pulled up their jeans, “Uh, you’re back from the feed store early, Dad.”

“You doin’ what I think you’re doin’ to my boy, Brian?”

“No, sir… I mean… shit…” Brian hung his head.

“You’re fired. Get your stuff and get gone. As for you,” Lincoln said, pointing at Link, “I’m callin’ your mama.”

“No, Dad, please,” Link replied as tears streamed down his face. “I won’t… I’ll be good, please!”

“Get out of my sight,” his father replied with disgust.

Link ran up to the farmhouse in time to see Brian packing his things in his car. “Wait! Bri!” Link yelled as he ran up to the car.

“G’bye, Link,” Brian said as he slammed his trunk closed.

“Wait, I love you, please don’t go!” Link said as blocked Brian from getting to his car door.

“Really? You think this is love? This was a bit of fun, Link. I got a girl waiting for me in Angier, gonna marry her in the fall. You were a nice piece of ass, but that’s it,” he said as he pushed past Link, got into his car, and drove off.

Link got into his truck and turned the key. A Merle Haggard tape played over his speakers as he began to sob. Link pulled out of the long driveway of his father’s tobacco farm and drove home, hoping to get there before his father called his mother and told her about what he had been up to.

He took a deep breath and opened his front door. “Lincoln!” Sue hollered from the kitchen. 

“Yes, Mama?” Link asked as he cautiously entered the kitchen. 

“Sit down,” she said, pointing at the kitchen table. Link sat as she paced around the kitchen.

“Your father just called,” she said with a shaky breath. “I’m willing to turn a blind eye to all of this nonsense on two provisions. First, you start counseling with Pastor John. I called him, he can help you change your wicked ways. Secondly, you let me find you a girlfriend. A lot of the girls at work have daughters your age and-”

“No, Mama. This is who I am, I can’t pretend I’m not.”

“Then you’d best pack your things,” she said, suddenly interested in the cleanliness of the kitchen sink. 

He ran upstairs to pack, his mind going a mile a minute. He had six weeks until he started college. He figured worst case scenario, he could sleep in his truck. His hands shook as he stuffed clothes into a duffle bag. He ran down the stairs and hopped into his truck. Muscle memory drove him to Christy’s. Before he knew it, he was knocking on her door. 

“Linky, what's wrong?” she asked as she opened the door.

“Ma found out about me and Bri, kicked me out. Oh, and he left me, and has a fiancee waiting for him. I don't know what to do, Chris.”

“Wait here,” she said leaving him in the living room while she ran into the kitchen. He heard muffled voices and then Christy returned with her parents.

“Link, sweetie, Christy told us what happened,” her mother said, as she sat beside him on the couch with a kind hand on his knee. “We want you to stay with us until college starts. I’ll set up the guest room. Our home is your home now, alright?”

Link nodded gratefully. “Thank you so much, Mr. and Mrs. White. You don't know how much that means to me,” he said, gratefully accepting a tissue from Christy’s dad.

“I'm not gonna lie, Link. I always kind of hoped you'd be my son-in-law some day,” her dad said. “But no matter what, you're family. And I could use some help at work for a few weeks at the office. Just some filing and what not. I’ll pay you, of course.” 

“I don't deserve this kindness,” Link said, overwhelmed with gratitude.

“Come on, brother, help me make up the spare bed,” Christy said with a grin.

* * *

Link closed the door to his room, and paced back and forth. He was grateful that Rhett was gone. How could his parents have been so cruel? But despite being kicked out at seventeen, he’d made something of himself. Gone to college for journalism, and become one of the most celebrated editors in North Carolina. He’d even won a Hugo award for best editor. But because he’d committed the sin of being gay, they’d written him off. 

The door slowly opened, and Rhett entered quietly. Link continued to pace, he huffed air out of his nose angrily as he walked back and forth. 

He didn't expect to feel the large hand grip his shoulder. He appreciated the gesture, but he needed to be alone. He meant to turn away, to shrug off the kind touch and retreat somewhere where he could continue to stew in his sadness. Instead he turned into Rhett. Before he knew it, his head was buried in the tall man's chest, his tears soaking his shirt. Rhett wrapped his long arms around Link, and held him tight as Link weeped into him. 

Rhett guided Link down onto the bottom bunk where they sat, Link’s arms still wrapped around Rhett. Slowly, Rhett guided Link until they were lying down face to face. “Shhhhh,” Rhett said softly as he held Link and gently stroked his hair. Eventually the tears stopped, Link calmed with the soft touches and the calming thump of Rhett’s heart in his ear. 

“Thank you,” Link whispered an hour later as the sun began to set over the valley, and he finally felt at peace. Rhett smiled and held a finger up to his lips. Link nodded. Rhett got up and went to the bathroom. Link got up too, and once Rhett was done, he took a long shower. It had been an insane day, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. He wasn’t sure quite how he was going to make it through seven more days. He toweled off and went back into the room. He began to climb the ladder to his bunk when Rhett cleared his throat. 

Link looked down to see Rhett holding the blanket back, he was pressed up against the wall making plenty of room for Link. _Why not?_ Link thought as he reached up to his bunk to grab his pillow. He got into bed with Rhett who threw the blanket over the two of them. Rhett stroked his arm gently and Link sighed, the last bit of tension leaving his body as he fell asleep in Rhett’s arms. 


	5. Day 4- Jaya Mangala Gatha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link begins to journey into his past during meditation sessions. Meanwhile he comforts Rhett who is in agony with a sore back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you'd like to listen to the day 4 chant it can be found [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoFsN-llm7U&t=14s)
> 
> if you'd like to listen to the day 4 lecture it can be found [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvKl0Wpwbn0&t=26s)

Link woke curled up with Rhett. It took him a moment to remember what had happened the night before, how kind Rhett had been. Rhett was still asleep. He breathed softly, his lips slightly parted. Link’s head rested on his chest, their limbs tangled up together. It was almost too much to handle after the loneliness he’d been feeling the past few months: to be half naked, cuddled up with this tall, beautiful man. Rhett opened one eye, then the other and looked down at Link. A shy smile broke out on his bearded face as he remembered Link was there. Rhett closed his eyes again and sighed contentedly as Link nuzzled into Rhett’s chest, trying to steal a few seconds until the gong rang and they’d have to get up.

The gong sounded. hey both sighed deeply and began to untangle themselves. The closeness of their sleep made them both awkwardly shy, painfully aware that they were both only in their underwear. Rhett opened his dresser and pulled out clothes for both of them before making his way to the washroom. Link couldn’t help grinning like an idiot as he pulled on white linen pants and a matching tunic. 

The early mornings were getting easier. The silence, however, was not. Link had never considered himself particularly chatty, but he longed for a conversation. Especially with Rhett. He wanted to know everything about him. Where he grew up, what he did for a living, what his laugh sounded like. What his _voice_ sounded like. 

They settled in the meditation hall with the other participants and Micah pressed play, beginning the chant.

The slow droning chant filled the hall, reverberated off the walls. It seemed exceptionally loud to Link as he felt the voice of S. N. Goenka vibrating in his chest as he focused on his breath. He felt the bass notes like electricity coursing through his veins.

* * *

It was three years earlier, on his birthday. He and Christy had gone to see an indie band at The Pour House Music Hall, a local Raleigh dive bar and live music venue. The band had just finished, and Link queued up at the bar to get a drink. The entire place vibrated with bass as the DJ played Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes.

“Hey!” he yelled in a vain attempt to get the bartender's attention. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned around to meet the gaze of a guy about his age. He was shorter, maybe five foot seven, but Link didn’t mind. He had on black skinny jeans, a black t-shirt with the logo of some obscure band. He had a sleeve of black and grey tattoos up and down his left arm. His hair was a medium brown and longish. A little longer than Link’s “wing” hairstyle he’d had in college. The man also had blue eyes, but they were cold and icy, pale and piercing. He had a few days of stubble, not the full beard Link was usually fond of, but it suited him. He wasn’t bad looking, just not Link’s normal type. “I got you,” he said as he waved the bartender over. “Hey Jeff, I’ll have a Budweiser and my friend here will have-”

“Uhh, same,” Link replied. He wasn’t much of a beer drinker and would have prefered a cider, but it was just easier this way.

The stranger nodded and pulled out some cash, paid the bartender and handed Link his beer.

“Thanks, uh... here,” Link said, fumbling with his wallet.

“It’s on me. My name’s Rob,” he said extending a hand.

“I’m Link,” he replied, shaking Rob’s’ hand. “Thanks for the beer, I owe you one.”

“Link, huh… what kind of name is that?”

“Well, I come by it honestly, but Charles Lincoln Neal III is a bit of a mouthful. I’m sorry it’s not super memorable like _Rob._ ”

“Touche,” he said, clinking the neck of his beer bottle with Link’s. “Dance with me,” he said with an incredibly charming smile. 

“I dunno. I’m here with my friend, and-” 

“You owe me one, remember?” Rob said as he looked at the beer in Link’s hand and back at Link with a grin. 

“Fair enough,” Link said as he drained his beer and placed the empty on the table. 

Link was already a few drinks gone; it was his birthday, and God if he didn’t love to dance. Normally he would have made some excuse, gone back to Christy, no harm no foul. But he had been going through a wicked dry spell, and the attention was nice, even if he wasn’t really interested in this guy. The dance floor buzzed with energy as Rob’s hands slid down Link’s hips from behind. “You’re beautiful,” Rob growled in his ear as Link leaned back into Rob’s chest. It felt good to be desired.

One song later, or was it five? Christy pushed her way through the dance floor. “Hey!” she yelled over the music. “I’m gonna go home!” she pantomimed sleep. 

“No! Stay! This is Rob! Rob this is Christy!” he yelled back.

She leaned in and kissed Link on the cheek, “Have fun! Text me in the morning and let me know you’re home safe, okay?” she said into his ear.

“Yes, mom,” Link said with a wink.

“Happy Birthday!” Christy said as she waved at the pair and left the bar.

“Shit, it’s your birthday?” Rob asked.

“Yeah, thirty eight, ” Link said with a grimace.

“Come back to my hotel. I have a bottle of champagne,” Rob said as he began to pull Link off the dancefloor.

“No, let’s dance more!” Link said.

“Come on, I promise we don’t have to fool around. It’s your birthday! Besides, I want to get to know you better and this isn’t exactly the best place to talk.”

Link paused for a minute. The alcohol was slowing his thought process. He didn’t feel unsafe with Rob, just not particularly interested. Then again, it was his birthday and he was in no position to say no to a one night stand. Rob had a hotel, so he likely didn’t live in Raleigh and he’d probably never see him again. And he wasn’t hideous or anything.

“Okay,” Link said as he put his hand in Rob’s and allowed himself to be pulled out of the bar.

The hotel was a few blocks away. The short walk in the cool summer night air helped to sober Link up a little. “So where ya from?” he asked as they strolled down the street.

Rob lit a cigarette and took a long slow drag. “LA, although I’m on the East Coast a fair amount too. I’m a bicoastal, bisexual I guess,” he chuckled at his own joke and took another drag.

“Ha...Business or pleasure?” 

“Hmm?” Rob replied.

“Why are you in Raleigh?” Link asked, as he nudged up his glasses.

“Oh, business I guess, but my work’s pretty fun. I was working tonight, actually. I review music for Pitchfork. I’m writing an article on the band that was playing tonight.” 

“Small world. I’m a journalist, too. Editor for The News and Observer,” Link replied proudly.

“Huh, print media. That’s cute,” Rob replied.

“Cute?” 

“No I just mean… fuck. I know you newspaper guys think digital media is dogshit, but it’s what people want.”

“I think people want news they can trust, written by journalists with a certain standard of ethics and honesty. Not monkeys on keyboards throwing shit at the wall and seeing what clickbait sticks, but, whatever.”

“I’m sorry if you’re offended. Let’s just drop it, okay? Here’s my hotel.”

Link sighed, “Alright, whatever.” 

They rode the elevator to the fifth floor. Before the door to Rob’s room had even clicked closed, his hands were on Link’s waist and he was kissing his neck. 

“Fuck, you’re so hot, Link,” he said as he began to unbutton Link’s shirt. It was all happening fast, before Link knew it he was naked on the king sized bed with Rob stroking Link’s cock and sucking on his left nipple.

“Woah, woah... wait a second,” Link said, his head spinning. “Come’re, wanna kiss you,” he said in an attempt to slow things down. 

Rob’s lips were on his, kissing him rough and wet as he continued to jerk Link off. Link would have sold his soul for some lube as the rough hand job continued. He focused on kissing, his fingers twined in Rob’s hair as he tried to control the pace of his kisses.

Mercifully, Rob spat into his hand which gave enough slickness to get him going harder and faster until Link came all over his stomach. 

Rob lay back on the bed, overly proud of his work. His hard cock lay heavy on his stomach. He tucked his hands behind his head and said, “You gonna suck it or what?”

Link raised an eyebrow at the demand, but it’s not like he hadn’t done it before. Hell, he even had a reputation in college for how good he was at giving head. He’d made many a “straight” boy buckle at the knees with his mouth skills.

He moved down the bed and took Rob’s cock in his mouth, slowly teasing his way down until drool dripped down his chin onto Rob’s balls. Within a few minutes, Link had him squirming and writhing with pleasure as Link swallowed Rob’s load.

They lay on the bed together for a few minutes, and then Link got up and started to get dressed.

“You can stay, y’know. I don’t head back to LA until tomorrow afternoon,” Rob said as his hand trailed along his naked chest.

“Thanks, I actually have to work in… six hours, ugh. Gonna go home and try to get a few winks before I have to oversee the bullpen.”

“Mmkay. Can I get your number at least? I’m in Raleigh from time to time and I’d like to see you again.”

Link paused. He wasn’t really interested in another shitty handjob, but he didn’t want to be rude. “Sure,” he said with a smile as he scrawled his cell number on the hotel stationary pad. 

Rob got up and pulled on a white fluffy hotel robe. “Happy birthday,” he said as he saw Link to the door.

“Thanks, uh, for everything,” Link said. If anything, he was a gracious man.

Rob leaned in and kissed him again, “Likewise,” he said with a wink as he opened the door for Link to leave.

He pulled out his phone and ordered an uber. While he waited in the hotel lobby, he texted Christy: _worst hookup ever :(_

__

* * *

Link came out the memory feeling dazed. The morning session had ended. He had trouble finding his legs when he tried to stand, but eventually he was able to stand upright and make his way to breakfast.

The bowl of quinoa porridge with dried fruit was delicious, it really was, but not much made it to his mouth. He found himself tracking patterns in it with his spoon, still foggy from the morning sit. It wasn’t that he’d slept poorly. In fact, he’d had one of the best sleeps of his life, curled up with his handsome roommate on the bottom bunk of their dormitory. He just wasn’t ready to face that particular memory yet.

Throughout the second meditation session, Micah guided them through. He explained how memories and thoughts might be coming to the surface, and to allow them to wash over oneself as they are things the soul wants to deal with. To forgive oneself or others, and move on. To free oneself from the shackles of pain and resentment. 

Link couldn’t forgive though. The mere memory of that man filled him with blinding rage. His blood boiled as he sat and tried to calm himself back into a meditative trance. 

_I never should have let him buy me a drink,_ he thought, his fists clenched in anger at his crossed knees.

 _I shouldn’t have danced with him. Should have insisted on paying for the drink and gone back to Christy. Better yet, I should have gone home._ His fingernails dug into his palms.

 _I shouldn’t have gone to his hotel room, should have had more goddamn self respect. I didn’t even find him attractive._ His face reddened as sinewy veins on his neck began to pulse.

 _And for fuck’s sake, when he contacted me, why the hell did I text back?_ Angry tears began to fall on his hot cheeks. 

Micah kept explaining how this whole process was about forgiveness, but he could _never_ forgive Rob for what he’d done. Not after he’d taken so much from Link.

Throughout lunch, he was still angry. He felt like his subsconscious had smacked him in the face with that memory. It was too soon. Not that he felt he’d ever be ready, but he definitely wasn’t yet. He moved his food around on his plate, not eating much. He was so in his head he hadn’t even looked at Rhett. Normally he enjoyed watching Rhett try to tame his hearty appetite, but today Rhett wasn’t eating much either. Link finally noticed when Rhett squirmed uncomfortably in the chair beside him, a pained expression on his face. Link put a gentle hand on his knee and gave it a light squeeze under the table. Rhett’s large hand covered his and squeezed back. Whatever pain Rhett had been feeling seemed to subside, and he continued to eat, albeit much slower than his usual pace. 

Link got up from the table, and cleared his mostly uneaten food into the compost bin before making his way back to their room. It was too much to be around people right now. He felt like he wanted to scream until he was hoarse, but instead, he climbed into the bottom bunk for a nap before discourse. They had been discouraged from acts of escape. From sex, sleep and overeating, but he needed to check out of his head for an hour. He took a long sniff of Rhett’s pillow and fell asleep almost immediately, comforted by the clean and earthy scent of the man he’d shared this bed with the night before.

He woke feeling worse than he had before. There was no sign of Rhett in their room, so he went to discourse alone. When he got to the hall, he found Rhett sitting cross legged with his back against one of the support columns in the back third of the room. He looked uncomfortable. Link sat closer to the front to get a better view of the television. 

Their guru appeared on screen and welcomed everyone to their fourth day. He explained how now they were going below the surface of their mind. “All of our problems lie in the depth of the mind at the root level. Our defilements have their roots deep inside. This is the storehouse and it is so fertile. You may cut a particular defilement from the top level, you may cut even the trunk, but the root remains. And when the root remains it can sprout again. It will sprout again and will again grow. You are not liberated from this.” 

He went on to explain that for the past three days, they had been focusing their breath on their upper lip, just under their left nostril, but now, they were to extend that same focus to their entire body. That they were to scan their bodies from the top of their head to the tips of their toes with the same breath.

He finished the video by saying, “Come out of this bondage, get liberated and enjoy real peace, real harmony, real happiness, _real happiness_!”

Link sat there for a moment as most of the other participants cleared out. That’s what he wanted. To be free, and to be happy, but he didn’t feel strong enough. 

He finally stood and saw Rhett still sitting by the column. His face was red, and he took pained shallow breaths as his eyes threatened to spill with tears. Link knelt down beside him. He put a gentle hand on Rhett’s shoulder. Rhett extended his arms, asking for help to stand. Link helped him up, and a loud groan escaped Rhett’s lips as he stood. Link wrapped Rhett’s arm around his shoulder to bear some of the weight as he helped Rhett hobble to their room.

Rhett rummaged through his dresser and pulled out a hexagonal glass jar with a gold lid. He gave Link the most pitiful look as he handed him the jar. 

“Your back?” Link mouthed, as he pointed to his back. 

Rhett nodded and tried unsuccessfully to pull off his tunic. Link grabbed the hem,pulled it over Rhett’s head and threw it on the floor. Rhett groaned as he lie face down on the bed.

Link opened the jar and began to rub tiger balm on his palms. He rubbed his hands together to warm the salve before sitting on the edge of the bed and beginning to smear it over Rhett’s back. He started at the base of Rhett’s head and gently worked down his spine. Rhett’s body jerked when Link got to his lower back. He knew what he needed to do, but couldn’t get a good angle. He assessed the situation for a moment, and realized there was only one way he was going to have a chance of repositioning Rhett’s bulging disk in his spine. 

Link stripped down to his boxers. He didn’t want to get tiger balm all over the clothes Rhett had lent him; or worse, rip the pants from the awkward position he was about to be in. He rolled down the top of Rhett’s pants too. He couldn’t help be distracted by the patch of golden blonde hair on Rhett’s lower back and how his ass curved so perfectly. 

He shook his head. He couldn’t be thinking those thoughts, not with what he was about to do. He climbed into the bunk and straddled Rhett’s ass. He desperately wanted to break the silence. To tell Rhett that he just needed the position to give him more leverage, and that was all, but Rhett seemed to be in too much pain to even care. Link applied more balm, gently increasing the pressure as he stroked his hands up and down Rhett’s back. The heat from the skin on skin contact, along with the spicy ointment, began to loosen Rhett’s muscles. Soon, he was much more relaxed, despite still wincing at the one vertebrae where Link could feel the bulging disk. 

Link braced Rhett’s spine with one hand, and with the other mentally counted down _3....2...1._ He pushed the disk back into place. Rhett screamed into the pillow, but seemed instantly relieved after it was over. He gave Link a thumbs up with his face still buried in the pillow. Link kept massaging Rhett’s back with strong and sure hands. He worked knots out of his shoulders, and neck, and slowly made his way down every inch of his back. At this point, Rhett was practically purring with how good Link’s hands felt on him.

Hearing Rhett’s tiny moans and whimpers did a number on Link. He was painfully aware that he was turned on. His cock kept getting harder as his hands slid over the broad muscled back below him. He was getting hard, and he was sure Rhett could feel it, too. Rhett raised his hips, increasing the pressure on Link’s cock. Link let a broken moan escape his lips. With only a few thin layers of fabric between them, he could practically feel Rhett’s ass twitching as the head of his cock pushed against it. He grabbed a pillow and shoved it under his crotch, providing a buffer between the two of them. As much as he wanted to dry hump his hot roommate’s cute ass, that couldn’t happen. He pushed those thoughts out of his head the best he could, and kept working on Rhett’s back until Rhett’s breath changed and he was snoring lightly, having found some relief in Link’s touch. 

Link got off Rhett’s back and made his way to the shower. He was still rock hard and his head was spinning. How could he want Rhett so badly? They’d never had a conversation. For all Link knew, Rhett was some hapless hippie dipshit who went from ashram to meditation centre to wellness retreat in an endless quest to find himself. 

He turned the water in the shower as cold as it could go, but that did nothing for his situation. _Fuck it,_ he thought, turning the water to a more comfortable temperature. He’d had a shit day, so who was he to deny himself some pleasure? Once he was sure he’d washed all the tiger balm off, his hand found his way to his cock. He was grateful for the shower covering up the loud moans that escaped his lips. Hippie weirdo or not, he wanted Rhett more than anything he’d wanted in his entire life. He wanted to feel Rhett’s beard tickle his skin. He wanted to have his big hands wrapped around his waist. He wanted to hear Rhett scream Link’s name as he came. His orgasm came so quick and powerful it even surprised him as he painted the shower tile with come. 

He cleaned up and dried himself. He pulled on a clean pair of boxers and went back into the room. Rhett must have woken briefly, because he’d moved over towards the wall of the bunk, making room for Link like he had the night before. Link smiled. He grabbed the tiger balm and gave Rhett’s back another coat of salve before he crawled in next to him and fell asleep. 

At some point during the night, Rhett’s long arm wrapped around Link’s waist, his thumb hooked in the waistband of Link’s boxers.


	6. Day 5- Tikapatthana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link continues to remember his relationship with Rob. Rhett takes Link to a special spot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you'd like to listen to the day 5 chant you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAGxUqqzvzw)  
> if you'd like to watch the day 5 lecture you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dB0TB7tQoYY&t=3077s)

** Day 5 Tikapatthana **

Link woke the next morning to the scent of camphor and menthol from the tigerbalm he’d smeared on Rhett’s back. It was strong, but comforting. Rhett was spooning him, his long body tucked perfectly against Link’s. _Please not the gong yet, just give me ten minutes here in his arms,_ he pleaded. But the second the thought entered his head, the gong sounded.

They both sighed heavily as Link threw off the comforter and the cold morning air hit their bodies. Link watched as Rhett moved with ease. _How’s your back?_ Link asked with a series of gestures. Rhett replied with a thumbs up and a grateful hand on his heart. Link smiled as Rhett handed him some clothes for the day. After his experience the previous morning, Link dreaded going for the morning sit. He’d promised himself he would never have to see Rob again, let alone _think_ of him. It was still too raw. But if that’s where his subconscious wanted to go, he figured he didn’t have much say in the matter.

Another morning, another four hours of sitting listening to S.N. Goenka’s droning, abrasive chanting. Link spent several hours trying desperately to fight it; but eventually, he slipped beneath the waves of his subconscious and into his memory.

* * *

Link and Christy sat in their favourite brunch restaurant. It was small, only a dozen tables, and when the weather was nice, there was a line around the block. But this particular Sunday was rainy, and they secured a cozy corner spot by the window. The place was welcoming with mismatched crockery and cheerful gingham table cloths. Link’s phone buzzed on the table. He picked it up, and a small grin played at the corner of his mouth as he typed a response.

“Who keeps texting you?” Christy asked as she took a sip of her cappuccino.

“Uhhh, remember that guy I hooked up with on my birthday?” Link replied, as the waitress set down their brunch. Eggs benedict for Christy, waffles and bacon for Link.

“ _No_!” Christy said, slapping the table. “Link! Why are you talking to him? You said he was terrible in bed!”

“I know,” he said sheepishly. “But he’s been texting me ever since, and he’s kind of sweet. Look…” he scrolled through his phone and turned it to her to show a text that said _miss you babe_ accompanied by a picture of Rob in bed, shirtless. The sheets were pushed down around his waist, and he looked directly into the camera with his piercing blue eyes.

“Well… he certainly thinks highly of himself…” Christy replied.

“Oh, be nice, Chris,” Link said, as he rolled his eyes and shoved his phone into his pocket.

 

“He’s just not your type at all.”

“Oh yeah, what’s my type?” he said with a mouthful of waffles.

“Whadda ya call them... bears? No… the other one.... Otters?”

Link rolled his eyes, “Look at you and your gay lingo.”

“Fine. You like dudes with beards, who wear flannel, and look like a paper towel mascot. Straight-looking guys. Not scruffy hipster douches.”

“Yeah. Straight dudes are my problem. I’m thirty-eight years old, and have never had a boyfriend. Not a real one anyway. They all have been too deep in the closet to ever openly date me. That’s just pathetic, Christy. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life screwing ‘straight’ dudes. At least Rob is secure in who he is.”

“I hope it works out, I really do, Link. Just don’t sell yourself short. Just because you haven’t met the perfect guy doesn’t mean he’s not out there for you. Take it from someone who’s settled for someone they didn’t really want, it’s not worth it. I caved to the North Carolina timeline of getting married to my college boyfriend who was good enough, but not who I really wanted. Now I’m divorced, pushing forty, and starting all over again.”

Link reached across the table, and gave her hand a knowing squeeze.

* * *

Link came out of the memory. He wished he could see things as clearly as Christy did. Their whole lives, she’d had good intuition about people. Even Gregg, her ex husband, wasn’t a bad guy. He wished he’d listened to her gentle warnings.

His stomach rumbled as he walked to the dining hall. He’d hardly eaten the day before, and he was dreaming about the waffles and bacon from his memory. He was met with a choice of mango chia seed pudding or spelt bread with almond butter and homemade marmalade. He settled for the latter. It was no waffles and bacon, but it satisfied his empty stomach. Rhett sat beside him, and Link stole glances at him. He was grateful that Rhett appeared to be pain free, even after the grueling morning meditation. Link couldn’t help see how beautiful Rhett was. He was just the type Christy had described. Rhett was so masculine and strong, but also somehow so soft and warm in a way Link hadn’t known was possible. All he wanted to do was get back into bed and curl up with his sleeping giant. But of course, another session of meditation awaited them.

Sit.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

* * *

_Good news babe, I’m gonna be in Raleigh next week!_

Link stared at the text on his phone for a full minute before responding.

_Cool, maybe we can get together?_

He winced at how awkward he was at this.

_Of course! I have to work Saturday night,_

_but can do dinner Friday?_

_Crap I have plans Friday…_

_Oh… it’s just.... Nevermind._

_What?_

_I booked an earlier flight specifically so I could see you._

_Maybe I read things wrong and you’re not interested._

_I’m sorry for wasting your time I guess._

_Shit, no… I’ll change my plans._

_It’s my best friend’s birthday but I’ll_

_Take her out Saturday instead. She’ll_

_Understand. I really do want to see you._

Link paced back and forth in his office. It had been two hours and he hadn’t received a response yet. He felt a sick twist in his stomach.

_Please Rob? I totally want to see you!_

_I’m sorry I should have thought before I typed._

_I do that a lot. Talk or text before I think._

_It gets me into a lot of trouble._

_K. See you Friday._

_What time? What restaurant?_

Rob was radio silent for the next two days. Link went ahead and moved his plans with Christy. He felt bad he wouldn’t be with her for her birthday. They’d spent every birthday since the first grade together, and it felt wrong to break the tradition. Finally, on Thursday night, Link received a text.

_I won’t get to the hotel until nine so just meet me there._

_Same one as last time. We’ll get room service._

Link frowned at his phone. He and Rob had spent weeks texting nonstop, and he was actually starting to like him. He was looking forward to an actual date, where they could get to know each other better, not another hookup. But he knew how exhausting traveling was, and he thought it was sweet that Rob was coming in a day early just to see him.

_K. If you’re up to it there’s a nice gastropub_

_around the corner from your hotel. Really good_

_food and they’re open late._

He chewed nervously on his bottom lip.

_Or room service is good too._

_Doesn’t matter. Just want to see you._

The next day he still hadn’t received a response. He checked himself out in the mirror as he ran pomade through his hair. Sure, he’d gone grey prematurely, but he thought it made him look distinguished. He closed the snaps on his purple plaid shirt, and reached in to flatten the awkward bulge his pockets were causing in his grey skinny jeans. He looked good, but couldn’t help but be nervous. His heart soared when his phone finally dinged with a text notification.

_Flight got in early. Gotta love those_

_Tailwinds. I’m in room 403_

_Can’t wait to see you._

_Calling an uber now! Be there in twenty._

Link’s knee bounced nervously the entire ride downtown. Things had gotten hot and heavy a few times in their text messages, but he wasn’t really sure what to expect from this date. He arrived at the hotel and felt flushed as he rode the elevator up to the fourth floor. His hand shook slightly as he knocked gently on the hotel room door.

Rob opened the door and his face broke into a giant grin at the sight of Link. “Don’t you look pretty?” he said as he closed the door behind them and hugged Link. Rob began to kiss Link’s neck. He licked up his cheek and gently sucked on his ear lobe.

He crowded Link against the back of the door, and began to pop open the snaps on Link’s shirt. A hand reached under and nails grazed his chest. “Fuck, baby,” he said between kisses. “You’re all I’ve been able to think about since we met. I want you so bad.”

Link’s head was swimming. “Mmm, maybe we should eat first?”

“Don’t you want me, Link?” he whispered in Link’s ear. “If we went to a restaurant right now, I’d be so uncomfortable. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything but this,” Rob said as he slid Link’s hand onto his tented jeans. “I’m so fucking hot for you Link.”

Link whimpered as he felt Rob’s cock twitch under his hand. He could feel his own desire growing as heat pooled in his belly, and his own erection grew. _Fuck it,_ he thought and dropped to his knees.

He freed Rob’s engorged cock. It was dark and dripping with desire for him. Link wrapped his full lips around his dick and began working his magic. Rob groaned and braced his hands on the wall as Link took him all the way down his throat.

“Fuck baby, you’re so good. If your mouth feels that good, I bet your ass is even more amazing.”

Link sat back on his heels and stroked Rob’s cock. Link was a little surprised. Of course he had prepared, just in case, but he still didn’t think things would go that far. “You…. you want to fuck me?”

Rob pulled him over to the bed and pulled the rest of Link’s clothes off. He rummaged in his suitcase and pulled out a bottle of lube and a condom. Link positioned himself on all fours. Rob flicked open the cap and drizzled lube onto his fingers. He gently pushed one into Link’s ass, and quickly another.

“Ouch,” Link muttered.

“Sorry baby, I just want to fuck you so bad,” he replied as he fingered Link’s ass. His fingers were the slightest bit too short to hit Link’s prostate, and Link kept fucking back on them, desperately chasing another few millimeters required to hit the right spot.

Rob abruptly pulled out his fingers to roll on a condom and apply more lube.

His aligned the head of his cock with Link’s wet hole, and pushed his way in. Link gasped at the stretch of Rob’s thick cock. He started slow, but soon, his hands gripped tightly to Link’s hips and he was fucking him hard and fast. Link buried his face in the pillow. He felt overwhelmed with sensations. It hurt, a lot. But also felt good to just get fucked into oblivion. If someone had asked him what two plus two was, he wouldn’t have been able to answer. Every nerve in his body was short circuiting. He didn’t even realize Rob had come until he collapsed on top of him.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only a few seconds, Rob pulled out of him, and got up to discard the condom. Link rolled over on his back. His cock was still rock hard and desperate to be touched. “Mmmm, baby that was so good,” Rob said as he kissed Link sloppily. “Fuck. Let me help you with that,” he said with a wink as he wrapped his hand around Link’s cock.

“Wait,” Link said as he reached over to grab the lube. He took Rob’s hand in his and gently opened his palm and squeezed a good amount of lube into it. He’d be damned if he was going to get another dry handjob.

Rob began to stroke him, but it was all wrong. “Tighter baby, mmmmm yeah just like that.” Rob seemed to respond well to the encouragement. “Fuck that feels so good. Just a little faster...yeah… yeah that’s good. Mmmmm.” Link tangled his hands in Rob’s hair as he kissed Link’s chest. Rob’s fist made wet sloppy sounds as Link fucked into his tight grip. Link shut his eyes tight as waves of come hit his chest and belly. He breathed heavily for a few moments as he came down from his orgasm.

He got up and went to the bathroom, retrieving a wet washcloth and doing his best to clean himself off. When he returned to the main room, Rob was getting dressed.

“I don’t know about you, but I worked up an appetite. Wanna check out that restaurant you were talkin’ about?”

Link grinned, closed the gap between them and planted a soft kiss on Rob’s mouth. “And here I thought this had turned into just a booty call.”

“Link, I like you. Alot. Like… I think…. hmmm. Let’s go to dinner.” He said with an embarrassed grin.

* * *

Link’s stomach churned with the memory of their first date. Suddenly, he felt dizzy, like he was watching a strobe light - even though his eyes were closed. His stomach lurched, and he threw up onto his chest. He got up quickly and ran out of the meditation hall. He was so embarrassed. He went back to his room and washed the vomit off the shirt Rhett had lent him. He pulled on a pair of his black joggers and a graphic tee. He scooped up the clothes he and Rhett had been wearing, and took them to the laundry room. He figured Rhett was bound to run out of clean clothes since he’d been sharing, so he put on a load of laundry and went back to the room.

He took a few sips of water and felt a bit better, but he decided that lunch was a bad idea. He sat on one of the large cushions on the floor with his knees tucked up into his chest and looked out the large window out into the valley. A light knock rapped on his door and he stood to answer it. Micah stood on the other side with kind eyes. He entered the room, and softly touched Link’s shoulder.

“Are you feeling alright?” he asked softly.

Link nodded.

“I just wanted to come by and make sure you’re okay. Also I wanted to let you know what you experienced is totally normal. It’s called _Sankaras_. I haven’t told you about them yet because they almost never happen before day eight, and even then it’s rare. But if you feel nauseous or have ringing in your ears or a locked jaw or other weird physical experiences, just know it’s normal. The best thing to do is focus on your breath and ride it out. Keep the breath, always, and you’ll be fine.”

Link nodded.

“I’m proud of you, Link. You had a rough start, but you are taking things seriously. I hope you find the peace you’re seeking.”

Micah looked at the bottom bunk with it’s rumpled sheets and multiple pillows and then up to the top bunk which looked like it had been neglected for a night or two. “Hmmm.” Micah said, tapping his lip with his index finger. “Stay the course, avoid distractions, and you’ll be fine.”

Link awkwardly pressed his hands together in a display of gratitude.

In the time it took for him to move the laundry to the dryer, Rhett had come, retrieved his outdoor shoes, and left. That was alright with Link. He still felt weird, and just wanted to be alone. He definitely wasn’t up for a walk in the midday desert sun with Rhett.

Link had the last of the clothes folded and back into Rhett’s dresser just in time for discourse. Rhett caught up with him in an empty corridor. He motioned to Link’s belly, worried about how Link was feeling. Link gave him a shrug and a thumbs up. They walked side by side into the hall, and sat together as the video began.

The lecture was about physical pain, and how to mental pain. How one must learn to let both go in order to be free. S.N. Goenka spoke of how people could be attached to physical pain as a crutch and a misery that keeps them from peace and liberation, in the same way they hold onto mental pain.

“Sensations exist because of the contact between matter that one cannot prevent in life. With the sensations: cravings and aversions arise. So, it is at the level between the sensations and the mind that one can cut the link that leads to misery. Now, turn the whole thing around: with the sensations arise the reality that those sensations are not eternal, you can observe that they will pass away, rise and pass away again and again. Pleasant, as well as unpleasant, sensations are bound to fade away.”

Link followed Rhett into the dining hall for tea. He wasn’t sure he trusted his stomach quite yet, but a mug of peppermint tea was calling to him. Rhett seemed impatient as Link slowly sipped his tea. Rhett wasn’t eating or drinking anything, but he seemed keen to not let Link out of his sight. Link met his gaze and Rhett slightly nodded his head towards the door. Link wasn’t sure what Rhett was up to, just that he wanted them both to leave. Link downed his tea and followed Rhett back to their room.

Rhett pulled on his shoes and grabbed two towels from the bathroom. Link could see a small grin hidden under his moustache, so whatever he had planned - it had to be good. Link pulled on his shoes, and the pair made their way outside. Link let Rhett lead, although he struggled to keep up due to the tall man’s long strides. After a few minutes of walking, they came to a chain link fence on the border of the centre’s property. It had a large hole cut in it. Rhett stopped and walked through the hole. Link was hesitant, but Rhett reached a hand out for him and he allowed Rhett to pull him through. They walked for another ten minutes before Rhett stopped abruptly, and started to strip off his clothes.

Link froze for a moment. He watched as Rhett got completely nude and jumped into a water-filled hole in the middle of the desert. Finally, he noticed the steam coming off the water. It was a hot spring. He stripped quickly and joined Rhett in the warm, soothing waters.

He wasn’t sure how Rhett had found this little slice of Heaven, but he felt amazing. The water was the perfect temperature, and provided such relief to his sore muscles from all the sitting. It was good for his mental health, too. He closed his eyes and relaxed. He could feel Rhett all around him. His long arms made ripples in the pool.

After a good, long soak, Rhett swam over to a makeshift wooden ladder someone had placed in the spring, and climbed out. He spread the two towels on a large flat rock that was warm from the afternoon sun, and sat cross legged on one of them. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. Link got out and sat beside him on the other towel. Normally, he would have felt awkward sitting naked in the desert with another man, but it wasn’t just anyone. It was Rhett.

He closed his eyes as well, and relaxed. He’d done enough Vipassana for one day, but he was happy to just sit and listen to nature. He could feel the heat coming off Rhett’s body beside him. He loved how, even after bathing in a hot spring, Rhett’s scent was still so strong. He smelled so earthy and warm. Deep and musky. The sun began to set, and Link shivered. They both stood and got dressed. Rhett had his towel looped around his neck. He smiled down at Link, and pulled him into a hug.

Link’s heart burst with joy. Awkward cuddling in bed was one thing, but to feel all of Rhett’s embrace was something else. It was like being wrapped in a soft, warm blanket.For the first time in a long time, Link felt safe and loved.

Link’s hands wrapped around the towel draped around Rhett’s shoulder, and he pulled down as he rose onto his toes. Their lips met and Rhett’s entire body stiffened. He tried to pull away, but Link still held onto the towel. Rhett had a wild, panicked look in his eyes. He opened his mouth, as if to speak, but closed it into a tight firm line. Link was stunned by Rhett’s reaction, and froze. Rhett was trapped by Link’s grip on the towel, so he pulled it off his neck and turned to return back to the centre, leaving Link alone, still desperately holding onto the towel.

Link tried to catch up to Rhett, but he was no match for Rhett’s long stride. By the time he got back to the room, Rhett was already in bed. He was spread out in the bottom bunk, and was fake snoring. Link’s pillow had been returned to the top bunk.

Link climbed into the top bunk. He tried to hold back, but like his stomach upset earlier, the tears fell without warning as he sobbed into his pillow.


	7. Day 6- Paticcasamuppada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link remembers his move to Los Angeles, meanwhile the tension is unbearable as Rhett remains distant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to listen to day 6 chant you can do so [ Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mSXVuWXxb4&t=483s)  
> If you'd like to watch day 6 lecture you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yxp0mZeK2zk&t=1832s)

** Day 6 Paticcasamuppada **

Link tossed and turned all night. Without Rhett, his bed felt incredibly empty. He woke up several times reaching for him only to remember what had happened. He lay on his back in his bunk and stared at the ceiling. _What a fucking idiot you are._ He thought to himself. _Of course he doesn’t like you like that. Why would he? He probably just got caught up in all the fucked up emotions that come with this place and needed some comfort. And you had to go and screw up the only good thing you had going here. If you hadn’t kissed him, you’d be in that bottom bunk right now in his arms. You could have had five more days to live in the delusion that he had feelings for you, too. Of course he doesn’t. They never do. But you could have pretended a little longer._ Tears dripped down the sides of his face. He shivered with just how cold the bed was without Rhett. He pulled the sheets tighter around him, and lay there with his thoughts until the gong rang.

Rhett got up first. Link stayed in his bunk with his back to the room as Rhett quickly got dressed and left. The tension in the air was palpable, so he pretended to sleep to avoid conflict. When Rhett was out of the room, Link got out of bed. Rhett had left a clean set of clothes for him on the dresser. He felt a lump rise in his throat at the act of kindness.

When Link got to the meditation hall, Rhett was already seated in the back left corner of the room. Link situated himself in the front right corner of the room, as far away as possible.

The chanting began to blast over the loudspeaker. It seemed like today’s dharma was less annoying than previous mornings. Maybe Link was just getting used to it. Maybe he was just too tired to care.

* * *

A late dinner at the gastro pub turned into more sex at the hotel, which led to breakfast the next day. They walked hand in hand through downtown Raleigh, and Link was proud to show off his town. They ducked into little vintage shops and fawned over kitchy home goods. It felt like a dream. At some point Link bought a new outfit, and Saturday afternoon turned into Saturday night. Link texted Christy apologetically, and rescheduled her birthday celebration once again so he could accompany Rob to see the band he was writing an article on. Rob stood with his arm around Link’s waist, his hand in Link’s back pocket possessively as they watched the band on stage, and drank cans of cheap beer. They smoked a joint in a back alley and went back to the hotel for more sex, this time inebriated and sloppy in the shower. Each time they had sex, it got better. It was still a little awkward at times, and Rob could be kind of selfish, but it definitely had improved. Sunday morning, Link had given Rob one of his perfect blowjobs. He wanted to give him something to remember before he had to return to Los Angeles.

“You really have to go already?” Link said as he lifted his head off Rob’s shoulder to kiss him.

“Sorry babe, my flight leaves soon. I had a really great time with you this weekend though.”

“I can’t believe we spent three days together. I feel a little guilty for blowing off Christy.”

Rob reached down and took Link’s had. “I know this is crazy, but fuck it. Link… I love you.”

“I… what?” Link said, thoroughly flustered.

“I’m head over heels, crazy in love with you. I’ve never met anyone like you. I know it’s nuts, especially with me being in Los Angeles and traveling so much, but I want to make this work.”

“...I…”

“Babe, you look pale. I love you.”

Link shook his head. “I’m sorry, just… no one has told me they loved me before? It’s kind of surreal. Especially so soon.”

Rob took his face in his hands. “That’s impossible. Who couldn’t love you?” he said as he kissed him sweetly.

“...I…. I love you too,” he said shakily.

“Good,” Rob said, and gave him a cheesy wink. “I really do need to get to the airport though. It’s going to be so hard to leave you.”

The pair got dressed, and Link walked down to the lobby. “Text me when you land, okay? Let me know you’re home safe,” Link said as he hugged Rob goodbye.

“I will. I love you.”

“L-Love you too,” Link responded as Rob got into his uber.

The next few weeks, they were in constant communication. They texted, phoned, sent sexy photos, traded stories. Link was over the moon with happiness. He’d never felt this way about anyone, and he was so glad he’d given Rob a second chance and not blown him off like he originally intended. Sure, the whole thing was a little weird, but somehow, they worked together. Link sat on his couch watching a movie when he got a notification. He grinned when he saw he’d received a video chat request. Rob was sitting on his sofa with his hard cock in his hand.

“Hey baby, look what just thinkin’ about you does to me?” he said as he stroked his cock.

“Mmmm,” Link replied, licking his lips. “I wish I was there to help you out with that,” he said as he began to undo his fly.

“Yeah? What would you do if you were here?”

“Mmm, I’d strip naked and get down on my knees.”

“Yeah?” he said as he picked up the pace.

“Yeah, and I’d crawl over to you and push your knees open.”

“Mmmm yeah, baby,”

“And then I’d-”

“Jesus Christ, you’re hard already?” a woman’s voice came from out of frame. “We just fucked fifteen minutes ago. You’re such a weirdo.”

“Rob?” Link said, frozen with shock.

“You’re the freak!” Rob yelled jokingly, “See you later!” The door to his apartment closed. “Sorry about that. I couldn’t wait until she was out of the shower to call you, that’s how hot you make me. Now, where were we?” He resumed stroking his cock.

“What the actual FUCK, Rob?!”

“What? Oh Emily? She’s just a friend. We fuck sometimes. It’s no big deal.”

“It very much is a big deal! I thought you loved me?!”

“Link,” Rob sighed. “I do love you. We never said we were going to be monogamous. That’s insane in a long distance relationship. I’ve already requested any gigs I can do in Raleigh, or even anywhere within a few hours drive of you. But best case, we’ll be able to see each other every six weeks - at the most. I don’t know about you, but I need to fuck more often than that. I don’t love Emily, she’s just a fuckbuddy. I have no interest in dating anyone other than you, but I have needs that video chat and sexting can’t meet.”

“I need some time to think about this,” Link replied, and ended the video chat. He tucked his knees up to his chest, and wrapped his arms around his legs. Rob was right. They never had said they were exclusive. Although, to Link, that went hand in hand with a confession of love. He didn’t know how to feel. Maybe he’d be better off cutting his losses and breaking things off. If Rob wasn’t willing to make the effort, why should he?

His phone buzzed, and he reluctantly picked it up to read the text message.

_I really do love you, Link._

_Let me prove it to you. Move in with me._

_I can get you journalism work in LA._

_We can be together and blissfully happy._

_I need to think about it._

_I’ll be here waiting for you. ♥️_

* * *

Link couldn’t believe how here, in this meditation hall, he saw it all so clearly. In the moment, his judgement had been seriously compromised; but in hindsight, it was clear as day that he was about to make a huge mistake.

He felt overwhelmed as he sat in the dining hall. Rhett had chosen a seat as far away from him as possible. He understood, but he felt like it was just the two of them sitting alone at a big empty table, the empty seats filled with ghosts of people that may or may not exist. Rhett looked weary, like soon he’d fade from Link’s view, like the other participants in the program. Link ate a bit of fruit and drank some tea. His body ached. He wanted nothing more than to go back to the hotspring, but that spot was off limits to him after the embarrassment he’d experienced there. It was Rhett’s place anyway; he’d found it.

Back in the hall for another four hours of meditation, he stretched a bit before sitting. All of his joints popped and cracked, and he’d never felt older. Micah guided them through the afternoon session. He calmly and quietly told them which parts of their body to guide their breath through. Link let go as he dissolved into his mind.

* * *

“You’re _what_?!” Christy exclaimed, as they sat in a tiny coffee shop sipping americanos.

“I’m moving to Los Angeles. Yes, I know it’s crazy. No, I don’t have a job lined up. But I’m happy, Christy. I’m in love!”

“Link, you barely know this guy! And you couldn’t stand him when you met him!”

“Well, he’s grown on me.”

“Yeah, like a fungus.”

“God, can’t you just be happy for me? Please? I need this.”

“Link, honey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so mean. I’m just protective of you. Remember that first day we met on the playground? I’m always going to look out for you. But if you love him - I will try, for you. Now, when are you leaving me?”

“I fly out next Wednesday. I gave my notice at work, and I sublet my apartment furnished so I don’t have to worry about getting rid of that stuff. Would I be able to store a few boxes in your basement until I can arrange for them to be shipped out?”

“You’re really going for it, aren’t you? Giving away all your stuff?”

“What can I say? I’m all in,” he said with a grin. “One more favour. Can you drive me to the airport?”

“Of course,” she said with a sad smile.

Link was overwhelmed when he landed at LAX. He’d traveled before, but the airport was insanely large, and he got turned around twice before he eventually found the baggage claim. He grabbed his two large suitcases, and found his way into a taxi. He could hardly wait to see Rob’s place. He’d seen bits in video chats and photos, but he was excited to see it in person.

 _Look at me, ma!_ He thought as his cab passed the Hollywood sign. Rows of palm trees lined every boulevard. He’d never felt so out of his element.

He got to the apartment building. It wasn’t super chic or anything, but it seemed alright. It was a four story walk up that looked like it had been build in the 1940s. He awkwardly hauled his suitcases up to the top floor. He straightened his shirt and fixed his hair before knocking on the door.

“Honey, I’m home!” he said enthusiastically as Rob swung the door open.

“Ha! You’re cute,” Rob said as he pulled Link in and kissed him.

Link brought his suitcases into the entryway, and raised an eyebrow at the third suitcase that was sitting there.

“Yeah, sorry babe. I gotta go to New York tonight.”

“Are you kidding? I just got here!”

“I know. Nothing I can do about it. I’ll be back on Saturday, though! It’ll give you a few days to settle in. You can do some of that Los Angeles tourist bullshit I hate. Get it out of your system before I get back.”

“Yeah. I guess. Okay…” Link said, as he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired. It was a really long flight, had a four hour layover in Chicago.”

Rob’s phone buzzed, and he frowned at the screen, “Looks like my uber’s here.”

“No! Already?!” Link said.

“Sorry, babe. There’s take out menus in the cupboard above the fridge, and a bodega a two block walk east, but I wouldn’t go there after dark. Your keys are on the table. I’m sure you’ll figure things out. I gotta go. Love you,” he said with a kiss before he slipped out the door.

Link stood dumbfounded in the empty apartment. He’d expected maybe they’d go out to a nice dinner to celebrate. Or maybe Rob would cook. Link didn’t even know if he could cook. His stomach twisted in knots as he was flooded with the feeling of being overwhelmed. There were too many decisions to make, he didn’t even know where to begin. Instead, he left his suitcases at the front door. Once he found the bedroom, he passed out face first into bed, still in his jeans.

The next morning, he woke up feeling awful. The jetlag has messed him up pretty bad, and he felt disgusting having fallen asleep without even brushing his teeth. He found a clean towel, and took a long hot shower. The water pressure in the apartment wasn’t great, but it would do. He changed into clean clothes, and began to explore his new home.

The apartment was pretty sparse, and not exactly spotless. Either Rob was a minimalist, or just didn’t care to own much. Link assumed since he traveled so frequently, he didn’t really need a lot. The living room had a futon, a glass coffee table, a flat screen television, and a small table that sat four. From the papers piled on it, it seemed to serve as Rob’s makeshift desk as well. In the kitchen, he was overjoyed to find a box of Frosted Mini Wheats. He opened the fridge which was basically empty. It had a few condiments, and a good amount of beer. He checked the date on the milk, and was grateful it wasn’t yet expired. He poured himself a bowl, and sat on the futon, flipping through the channels on the TV.

His phone buzzed with a text notification from Christy.

_How’s Los Angeles?_

_It’s good, getting settled in. I didn’t sleep great._

_Still finding my sea legs._

_Up all night getting fucked senseless?_

_Not quite…._

_Sorry…too much?_

_No, it’s fine. I was alone._

_He had to head off to New York._

_But it’s okay he’ll be back on the weekend._

_Why the fuck did he book you a flight_

_Knowing he wouldn’t be here?_

_That’s messed up, Link_

_Hmm I think it was a last minute_

_Kind of thing. It’s alright. It will give me_

_Time to get things organized._

_I swear he’d better be good to you._

_I’ll punch him if i have to._

_I know. Wouldn’t be the first time. I_ _remember_

_what you did to John Carson._

_But things are good. I promise._

_I hope so. I miss you already._

_I drove past your apartment on_

_The way to work and cried like an idiot._

_Aww Chris ♥️_

😔 

Link went into the bedroom, and opened up the dresser drawers. They were all packed full of Rob’s clothes. The closet was pretty full, too. Link frowned, and started to put together a plan. The first thing he did was order a dresser online. There was room for a second one in the bedroom, and he found one on sale that matched the same espresso finish of Rob’s existing dresser and tables. Then he began to clean and organize. He started in the bathroom, throwing out nearly empty bottles of hair product and shampoo. He scrubbed the tile and grout with bleach until it looked good as new. As he went from room to room, he added things to his list. Drawer organizers, hangers, baskets, cleaning supplies. Late afternoon, he returned from Target with bags of necessities and a few groceries to get him through. He was already nervous about being unemployed, and he’ds pent several hundred dollars today. _Slow your roll, buddyroll,_ he thought to himself as he made a peanut butter sandwich and scarfed it down. He didn’t even realize how hungry he was until he was halfway through his second one.

The next day, his dresser arrived and he spent several hours trying to assemble it. He swore a lot and hit his thumb twice with a hammer; but finally, he’d put it together and it fit perfectly in the bedroom. He was proud of himself as he folded his clothes neatly and stored them in the chest of drawers. He spent the rest of the time making sure the apartment was dazzlingly clean. It wasn’t the nicest apartment in the world, but even a crappy place could look amazing if it was clean. He’d also bought a few house plants, which he positioned around the room and brought some much needed life to the dull space. Rob was due to be home any minute. Link put fresh sheets on the bed, and ran around the apartment proudly lighting candles as he prepared for his man to arrive.

He sat on the futon nervously. He smoothed out his denim shirt. It was his favourite, and he wanted to look good. This was the start of a new phase, the first time he’d lived with a partner. The first time he’d had a real, honest to God boyfriend. The thought slightly terrified him. Eventually, he heard a key in the lock, and the door creeked open.

Link stood and made his way to the door. He was practically buzzing with excitement. He’d been cooped up alone for three days, and was desperate for some affection and conversation. He threw his arms around Rob the moment he walked in the door. “You’re home!” he said, as he kissed his boyfriend.

“Shit, Link. Give me a minute to get in the door,” Rob said angrily.

“Sorry,” Link whispered.

Rob looked around the apartment with a furrowed brow. “Why does _my_ apartment look different?”

“I… I just thought I’d tidy up a bit. Now that it’s _our_ apartment.”

“Are you saying it was dirty? That I live in a pigsty?”

“No… no, babe. I just needed to make some room for my stuff. And I really love cleaning. It oddly calms me down. I just wanted to make everything perfect for you… for us.”

“Hmm, okay.”

Rob went to the fridge and got a beer. He kicked off his shoes and sat in the living room. He flipped through the channels on the TV, but settled on nothing.

Link sighed and sat beside him. “If you hate it, I can put things back the way they were.”

“No… no, it’s fine.”

“Hey,” Link said as he cupped Rob’s cheek and turned his face to meet his gaze. “We’re in this together. We’re a team.”

“Yeah,” Rob replied.

Link kissed him softly, and Rob reciprocated with harder kisses. Soon Link was lying down on the futon, Rob’s hands and mouth all over him. Rob stood over him and traced his cock on Link’s lips. Link opened his mouth and took him deep.

He’d never given head like this before. Usually, he was on his knees and in control, making his partner fall apart, but this was different. Rob had one foot on the floor, his other knee beside Link’s ear; he was in control of the pace and depth. Link gagged as Rob pushed deep into his throat. Hard and fast, he fucked into him. Link’s eyelashes were wet with tears as Rob gave one last thrust, coming in the back of his mouth. Link sat up and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He removed his glasses, and wiped his eyes with the cuff of his shirt.

“Mmm... that was good, babe,” Rob said as he zipped up his fly. “How does pizza sound for dinner?”

“Good,” Link croaked, his throat still sore. “No olives.” He sat quietly beside Rob, who finally settled on some TV show. Link couldn’t even pay attention. He drummed his fingers on his knee.

Eventually, Rob put his arm around him, and Link slouched into his side. _This is good. This is where I’m supposed to be. I made the right decision,_ he told himself, as he bit a ragged fingernail that was driving him crazy.

* * *

Link didn’t notice that he had been audibly sobbing until he came out of the memory with his face covered in tears and snot. He was embarrassed to have such a huge emotional release in a room full of people. He felt awkward during lunch. Like everyone in the room was staring at him. Everyone except Rhett, of course, who kept his eyes firmly locked on his plate, avoiding any chance of locking eyes with Link. He managed to eat some rice and curried chickpeas and cauliflower. He figured it probably tasted good, but in the moment, everything just tasted bland and ashy in his mouth.

He hung back in the dining hall once he was done, allowing Rhett time to get what he needed from the room and go for a hike or whatever he did when he was alone outside. Link wanted to spend as little time as possible in the same room as him. As predicted, when he returned, Rhett’s shoes were gone and Link had the room to himself. He turned the shower as hot at it would go and got in. Just the memory of his first days in Los Angeles made him feel dirty. He scrubbed and scrubbed until his skin was bright red and tender. He put on some of his own clothes. A navy blue t-shirt with various constellations on it, topped with a baby blue hoodie and grey joggers. He was done wearing Rhett’s clothes. It was just another reminder of how close they had once been, and how that was over.

He went to discourse, and sat through another lecture. The guru began, “The sixth day is a very important day. I am glad you’ve crossed this hurdle of the sixth day… on the sixth day one feels like running away under one pretext or another.” The crowd on the tape laughed knowingly. He spoke about how one can become addicted to pain and suffering. Addicted to craving. That one isn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol but rather, addicted to the feeling of craving and the relief of giving into the craving. Link wondered if his desire for Rhett was just his desire to hang onto pain. Maybe he was addicted to rejection and heartache. Always loving people who couldn’t love him back. Their teacher went on about how slowly the curtains of ignorance were being lifted and they would find their true selves.

After discourse, he went to tea and ate some fruit. Afterward, he went out to the gardens. He sat and listened to the sounds of nature and felt utterly and completely numb. Maybe this place was slowly killing him, and he was turning into a ghost like the other people here who looked like sad shells of former humans. Rhett had been the last thing keeping him in the land of the living, and now he was dissolving into the void with the others. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.

He stayed outside as long as he possibly could, but eventually the sun set and it began to get cold. He wanted to make sure Rhett was asleep when he returned, and thankfully he was. Link brushed his teeth and got into bed for another night of restless sleep.


	8. Day 7- Bojjhanga Sutta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link remembers one of the worst moments of his past relationship as well as a chance encounter from his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to listen to the day 7 chant you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMdm9msHYSA)  
> If you'd like to watch the day 7 discourse you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4twJT1RfiM)

** Day 7 Bojjhanga Sutta **

Link woke to the sound of the gong. He’d tossed and turned all night with nightmares. Somehow, the four AM wake up was a relief from the horrific dreams.

He changed into his own clothes while Rhett was in the washroom and left for the hall. He didn’t want to give Rhett an opportunity to offer him clothes again. He was done with that. He’d rather be covered in uncomfortable welts than be the object of Rhett’s pity. 

The chanting played and soon his breath fell in line with the cadence of the dharma.

* * *

Eventually, Link settled into his life in Los Angeles. Rob was away about half the time, which was more than he had expected. Even when he was in LA, he often was out late nights at concerts and interviewing bands. It was lonely. Link managed to pick up some freelance writing and editing work, but it didn’t pay well. The one saving grace in his life was the volunteer work he’d begun with LGBT Youth LA. He helped out with an after school program for LGBTQ+ teens. He loved mentoring the kids, and had even found a friend in a fellow volunteer, a woman named Stevie. 

His homelife wasn’t all bad though. Sometimes Rob would be this happy go lucky guy. He’d plan elaborate trips or adventures. He’d come home with weird little treasures for Link. Sometimes a truck stop pamphlet from an oddball roadside attraction, other times rare vinyl records to add to Link’s Merle Album collection. Some days they’d just spend days in bed making love endlessly, completely engrossed in each other. Of course, other days, Rob would be in a foul mood. He could get snippy or even worse, distant. Somehow, he always knew just how to make Link feel about two inches tall. 

Link had been trying his best to learn how to cook, in an attempt to save money and contribute to the household. But his nerves were shot after he managed to burn spaghetti. How someone could burn something in a pot of water was beyond his comprehension, but he’d set the fire alarm off and half the floor was already mad at him, so he figured the safest option was to order in. Also, Rob was in a mood.

“Where’s your credit card?” Link asked when the delivery guy knocked on the door. He winced as he said it, knowing it was going to cause a problem. But his was already maxed out due to expenses over the last few months, and Rob knew this.

“Fuck, really, Link?” he said angrily as he went to the door and paid the guy. He grabbed the brown paper bag of Chinese food, and slammed it down on the table. 

“I’m sorry. I have two interviews this week. Something is going to come of this, I know it.”

“You say that every time, and yet, here we are.”

“When I was moving here, you said you knew some people in print media. Maybe you could send a few emails, or introduce me. I just need one good lead.”

“Fine, Link. I’ll do everything. I’ll let you live here, rent free. I’ll buy dinner. I’ll find you a job. You just sit around and jerk off, or whatever it is you do when I’m not here.”

Tears stung in the corners of Link’s eyes. “This was supposed to be fun. We were supposed to be happy. I’m so tired, Rob. I spend day after day receiving rejection letters. I do freelance work that pays nothing. Literally. I got paid nothing for the last thing I wrote. Because they said I’d get _exposure_. I’m almost forty fucking years old, and I’m getting turned down for unpaid internships. You aren’t the only one making sacrifices here.”

Rob took long strides across the room until his face was in Link’s. He wrapped a tight hand around Link’s wrist and squeezed. “If you’re so god damned miserable here, then leave. Go back to your redneck state where you’re some newspaper king, and leave the real journalism to us big city folk.”

“You’re hurting me,” Link choked as Rob tightened the grip on his wrist. He tried to pull away, but instead went flying. Next thing he knew, he was coming to on the floor. He’d crashed through the glass coffee table, and his arm screamed in pain. 

Rob’s face was white as he hovered over Link. “Babe? You okay?”

“My arm. It’s broken,” Link gasped, holding onto his left forearm.

“No. There’s no way it’s broken. You backed up too fast, and tripped and fell. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. I love you. I’m so happy you’re here,” he said with tears streaming down his face.

“I need to go to the hospital,” Link groaned as he stood, with his good hand he attempted to pick shards of glass from his limp arm.

“No, it’s fine. It’s just some cuts. I’ll get the first aid kit.”

“I can’t move my arm, Rob. I need to go to the hospital.”

“Jesus Christ! Okay. I’ll call an Uber.”

“I don’t want you to come with me.”

“Link, please…” he said, as Link slammed the door and walked downstairs to meet his Uber. 

*****

“Do you feel unsafe in your home?” the triage nurse asked him.

“Uhh… what?” Link replied, dazed by the pain in his arm.

“Sir, we’re required to ask. Do you feel unsafe in your home?”

“Yes… I mean, no. No, I’m fine.”

The nurse ticked a box on her form and directed him to the waiting room.

******

Three hours later, he was discharged from the hospital with a hot pink cast on his left arm, a few stitches from where he’d been cut by the glass, and a bottle of painkillers. He winced as he closed the door to the apartment. Rob had cleaned up the broken glass and the blood on the floor. He rushed into the room and threw his arms around Link.

“Oh thank God you’re back. Are you okay? How is your arm?” 

“It’s broken. Eight weeks in a cast. I’m just going to get some things and go to a hotel.”

“Babe, no. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did. Also, I knew having a glass coffee table was a bad idea with how clumsy you are.”

“What do you mean?” 

“You slipped on the rug, and just went flying into it. It would have been funny if you hadn’t been hurt.”

“I did? I don’t remember. Everything went black,” Link sat on the futon, and took off his glasses to rub his eyes.

Rob knelt down on the floor beside him. He took Link’s good hand in his. “That’s so scary. How about I heat up that Chinese food, and then tuck you into bed? I can even sleep on the futon if it’s easier to sleep with your arm spread out.”

“It’s… it’s okay. Sleep with me,” Link said with a weary smile.

Rob grinned, and kissed him on the cheek before he headed to the kitchen to heat up Link’s dinner.

* * *

Link had come out of his memories feeling angry or sad before, but for the first time - he felt scared. He should have left that night. Right then and there. But with a maxed out credit card, he had no place to go. Christy probably would have sent him some money for a plane ticket back to North Carolina, but he didn’t want to admit defeat. It had only been a few months, and he wasn’t ready to come back like a wounded puppy with his tail between his legs. 

At breakfast, he tucked his legs up on the large wooden chair as he ate his porridge. He just wanted to hide, or to feel small. He pulled the hood of his hoodie over his head, and tightened the strings as far as he could.

Back to the hall. Link didn’t know if he could do it. He felt weak and exhausted. He was at the point where it only took a few minutes of Micah speaking softly into the mic before Link’s subconscious took over.

* * *

Rob sat at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee, and working on his laptop. He’d been a model boyfriend in the two weeks since Link had broken his arm. He doted on him night and day, brought him little trinkets to make him smile. He’d even traded stories with other journalists so he could stay in Los Angeles. Link wrapped his arms around Rob’s shoulders and kissed him on the cheek. “What ‘cha workin’ on?”

“Going to a one off at a small club. This guy, Brett something… no, Rhett,” he said, squinting at his notes. “Normally he does sound design and mixing for different indie and alternative bands. I think he worked on the last Weezer album. But he’s doing a solo show.”

“I love Weezer! They’re my favourite band! Oh my god, can I come? Please? I’m so bored.”

“First of all, no one likes Weezer anymore, Link. Jesus, how did I end up dating someone with such bad taste in music? Secondly, this guy’s nothing like Weezer. His shit is depressing as fuck. Look.” Rob turned his laptop for Link to see a news article. _Woman and two young sons killed in PCH car crash. Husband and father sole survivor._ Accompanying the headline was a black and white photo of a family sitting on stairs, the younger boy reclined in between his father’s legs, the older son slouched on his mother, whose arms were lovingly wrapped around her husband’s shoulders. In small print under the photo, it read the names of his wife and children.

Link skimmed the article. There had been a torrential downpour, and the father and husband had lost control of his SUV and driven off the edge of a particularly fatal portion of the Pacific Coast Highway. He had escaped with four broken ribs, a broken wrist, three broken fingers, a broken leg, and several broken face bones. But he survived.

“Dude has crazy survivor’s guilt. His project is called _Mythical Mourning_ because he’s so tormented by their deaths he just gets on stage and screams for an hour. You’ll hate it.”

“I want to go,” Link said quietly. The picture of that happy family was haunting, and something told him he needed to see this man. 

“Alright. I won’t be able to babysit you, though. I gotta interview him.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

That evening, Link pulled on a black button up shirt and black jeans. He felt like the entertainment would be verging on sombre, and he already felt like a huge idiot with his bright pink cast. _Why couldn’t you just get a white cast like a normal person?_ He tried to button the cuff over it, but eventually he gave up, and rolled up the sleeves.

They got to the club at nine PM. _Mythical Mourning_ was set to go on stage at ten thirty, but Rob slipped backstage to interview him before the show. Link was still on painkillers, so booze was out of the question, but he was happy to sip ginger ale. He loved live music. He wondered why this was his first time getting to a show since he moved to Los Angeles, despite his boyfriend working in the industry. He was just happy to be here tonight, out of the apartment, around other people. It was nice.

The stage was set with a bass, a few guitars, a drum kit, several microphones and a table full of percussion instruments. A bunch of pedals sat on top of a large persian rug. At ten thirty, the lights went dark on the stage. A few moments later, a single spot light came up on the artist. He was tall; even from the stage Link could tell he was exceptionally large, although there was something so soft about him, too. He had golden hair and a thick bushy beard. His hair stood up, wild and curly on top of his head. He wore a black v-neck t-shirt and grey jeans that were cuffed to show off his ankles and bare feet. “Hi. This is Mythical Mourning,” he said into the mic. 

He started with a simple guitar melody. He played it a few times, and pressed pedals with his foot. When he stopped playing, the melody continued to loop over the speakers. Next, he picked up the bass and plucked a few booming notes that layered on top of the guitar melody. He added another guitar riff, then banged rhythm sticks together and recorded that, too. Every instrument added another layer that made the song more and more complex. He got behind the drum kit and beat the drums frantically and looped that. Then he attacked the cymbal. It was all chaotic and dissonant, but also somehow made sense. It made Link feel like his chest was full of bees that were angry and fighting to escape. The entire room stood silently, enraptured by Rhett’s performance. He was sweaty and wild, and he grabbed the mic and lay on the floor screaming. Tears dripped down his face into his beard as he screamed every last ounce of pain, hurt, and grief from his body. 

He raised his hand above his head, and hit a button. With that, the looped instruments fell quiet, and the stage went black. 

After an hour and a half of sound, the silence was almost deafening. It took a moment for the audience to come out of the trance caused by his music and applaud. Link wiped the tears from his cheeks, and whooped in appreciation, since his broken arm kept him from clapping.

After the show, a DJ took over and began to play some indie music that Link had never heard. Rob met him by the bar, and ordered a double vodka and coke. 

“So, was I right? Did you hate it?” he asked, throwing back his drink.

“No, I thought it was amazing! It was so… raw.”

“I think it was pretty self serving, and pretentious,” Rob said as he put his empty glass on the bar.

“Well, you’re the expert,” Link mumbled. 

“Oh, I gotta go talk to this guy,” Rob said, and he yelled as he pushed through the crowd, knocking Link into the person behind him. Link turned around to find himself face to face with the artist who’d just been on stage.

“Oh gosh, sorry I knocked into you. Dang, you’ve already got a broken arm!” the handsome man said as he smiled down at Link. 

Link was unable to speak for a minute, lost in the grey-green eyes of the tall stranger. 

“Uh, no. Sorry, I think I knocked into you. I’m pretty clumsy,” he said, holding up his cast.

“Your accent… You from North Carolina by any chance?”

“Yeah, Lillington. You?”

“Heck, I’m from Buies Creek. Name’s Rhett McLaughlin.”

“Link Neal,” he said, extending a hand to shake. Rhett’s hand was so huge and warm, he had half a mind to never let it go. “So, that performance was something else. It was amazing!”

“Oh gosh, thanks,” he replied shyly. “I swear I’m not some headcase. Music helps me get rid of the grief and anger; to let it go, rather than repress it. Well… that and therapy, lots and lots of therapy,” he said with a sad smile.

“I was very moved by it. Truly.”

“Thanks, man. I was interviewed by this jackass earlier, and I swear he spent the whole set looking bored as he checked Twitter on his phone. There he is, over there,” he said, pointing to Rob, who’d just come out of the men’s room and was rubbing his nose.

“Oh,” Link replied softly.

“Friend of yours?” Rhett said as he took a sip of water.

“Uh, my boyfriend,” Link said awkwardly.

“Oh-ho-ho,” Rhett chuckled, “Sorry. So, um… how did you break your arm anyway? Nice choice with the pink.”

“Like I said, I’m clumsy. I fell arm first into a glass coffee table. Wasn’t even drunk!”

“Wow, how did you manage that?”

“To be honest, I’m not really sure? I blacked out from the pain, and don’t remember how I fell.”

“You blacked out what happened before the fall?”

“Mhmmm,” Link replied.

“And you didn’t hit your head? No concussion or nothin’?”

“Nope, just the arm.”

“Look, Link. I’m not a doctor, but I know a thing or two about trauma. If your memory has blocked something out, it’s protecting you from something. Some sort of pain. Of course it’s blocking you from the physical pain of hitting the table, but if you don’t remember before that, well… maybe you need to ask yourself why you don’t remember...”

“Rhett!” a man called to him.

“Shoot, that’s my manager. I have another interview to do. Take care of yourself, Link Neal,” he put a soft hand on Link’s shoulder before he slipped backstage.

Link felt hands on his hips, and lips press against his ear. “Come on, let’s dance,” Rob growled, as he pulled Link towards the dance floor.

“I wanna go home. I’m tired, and my meds are wearing off. I thought I'd be okay, but my arm is killing me.”

Rob’s pupils were blown out, and he spoke loud and fast. “Jesus, you’re no fun. Thought you could handle it, that you didn’t need a babysitter?” he mocked. “Come on. You’re so pretty when you dance,” he said, pulling on Link’s left arm.

“Fuck! My arm, Rob!” Link said, pulling his injured arm out of Rob’s hands. He stormed out of the bar out onto the street. He was grateful it was raining lightly, as it disguised the tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he hailed a taxi and headed home. 

* * *

Link’s eyes snapped open. He knew the moment he saw Rhett the first day at the centre that he looked familiar. He looked different here, with his hair unstyled and his flowy meditation clothes. He looked over and Rhett, who seemed to have spent the majority of the session crying. His eyes were rimmed red and bulging even more than usual. The participants began to file out of the hall for lunch. Link tried to catch up to Rhett, but Rhett never made it to the dining hall. He was nowhere to be found after lunch either. Link tapped an impatient foot. He had to see Rhett. Finally, Rhett showed up for discourse. Link didn’t give a shit what S.N. Goenka was saying in his lecture. Instead he kept his eyes locked on Rhett. 

After discourse, Link caught up to him and pulled him towards their room. Rhett went reluctantly, still avoiding Link’s gaze.

Link gently placed his hand on Rhett’s to get his attention, to get him to meet his eyes. The frustration of wanting to speak to Rhett, to explain his thoughts, his memories of their brief shared past was reaching an unbearable level. The tension mounting in his chest made him feel like he might explode if he didn’t speak. He wanted to apologize for everything: for not remembering sooner; for misinterpreting Rhett’s intentions; for taking their newfound friendship, or connection, or whatever they’d want to call it for granted, when it – when he – had been the only thing keeping him sane here.

Link then looked at Rhett’s wide eyes, and then down toward his own grip on Rhett’s arm. It was nowhere near as harsh or forceful as Rob’s grip on him had ever been, but the similarity made him sick to his stomach. He immediately released his hold on Rhett, and took a step back. His lips were pressed closed in a tight line and his eyes were shining with so many unspoken emotions. He absently held his arm at a 90-degree angle and massaged where it had once been broken. Rhett’s confused look softened. He reached out and tenderly touched Link's forearm. Link watched as realization crept over Rhett’s face. He remembered. 

Link silently mouthed, _I’m so sorry._

Rhett shook his head so subtly it was hardly perceptible.

Link’s voice broke as he whispered, and he was surprised by just how hoarse his voice was. “You’re grieving. I shouldn’t have-”

Before he could finish his sentence, Rhett’s lips were on his.

Link’s knees went weak as he melted into Rhett. The kisses were soft at first, tentative and cautious. But soon, they both gained courage in their kisses, reassured by wandering hands desperately grasping for each other. Before they knew it, Link was pulling off Rhett’s shirt, and Rhett was pulling Link onto the bed. 

Rhett sat up, his long legs extended with Link straddling his lap as they continued to kiss. Rhett’s hands cradled the back of Link’s head, twined in his hair, and pulled him into a deeper kiss as his hand found the hem of Link’s shirt and removed it.

Link’s body was buzzing with Rhett’s touch. The past two days, he’d felt grey and lifeless, unsure if he even existed anymore. But with Rhett’s touch, he felt electrified. Like the world was back in technicolour. He pressed his bare chest against Rhett’s. He swore he could feel Rhett’s heart damn near beating out of his chest. 

Link could feel Rhett’s erection growing beneath him as he rolled his hips on Rhett’s crotch. He couldn’t help but grin as he pulled low groans out of Rhett. Rhett’s hands grasped Link’s hips, encouraging him to thrust against him. Rhett’s thighs trembled when Link’s cock rubbed against his through their pants.

Rhett slowly inched down Link’s joggers and underwear. Link raised up on his knees to allow Rhett to pull them down fully. Rhett pulled his own down, too, and for a moment they stopped, overwhelmed by their nakedness. Rhett’s fingers touched Link’s lips, then gently trailed down his pointy Adam’s apple. He traced Link’s collarbones, memorizing the spots where they jutted out in their perfect imperfection. Link’s head fell back, and his mouth opened as Rhett slowly trailed down his chest, and then his stomach. He leaned forward and traced the line from chest to stomach with soft kisses.

His hands trailed up Link’s thighs. He was dangerously close to Link’s cock, which ached to be touched. Rhett looked him dead in the eyes, asking for consent. Link nodded emphatically, and then Rhett was stroking him with a strong hand. He pulled Link forward to kiss him again. Rhett was starving, and Link’s kisses were bread and honey. 

Link wanted to touch Rhett too, but their position was awkward. He could feel Rhett’s cock, heavy and dripping with desire on his thigh. But anytime he tried to reposition, Rhett would hold him closer, kiss him harder. 

Rhett pulled back and chuckled silently. Link’s glasses were fogged up with sweat and condensation. Rhett gently removed them, folded the arms in, and placed them on the dresser next to his bed. He pulled open the top drawer, and pulled out a small mason jar half full of a thick white substance. Link raised an eyebrow, and Rhett held the jar up to his nose. _Coconut… it’s coconut oil_. He’d seen Rhett pull out the jar before and slather a bit on his knees or elbows after he got out of the shower, presumably to help moisturize.

Rhett took a hearty dollop of the oil and began to slick Link’s cock with it. His body heat melted the oil until it was clear and glistening. Link whimpered with loss when Rhett stopped stroking him to apply oil to his own erection. He grabbed Link’s hips and pulled him closer until their dicks were side by side. Rhett wrapped his large hand around both their cocks and stroked slowly with a tight grip. Link could feel Rhett’s every throb and twitch. 

He fell forward into the crook of Rhett’s neck, and wrapped his arms around him as Rhett picked up the speed, working both of their cocks together. Link was unraveling. He thrust hard into Rhett’s tight fist, and moaned in his ear each time he slid against Rhett’s slick cock. All the meditation they had been doing was about dissociating from one’s body. To escape the physical, and journey into the metaphysical. But in this moment, Link had never felt so connected to his body. Rhett’s touch was primal and sacred. Link wasn’t sure where he ended and Rhett began anymore. But it didn’t matter. 

The tall man under him began to shake. Link clamped his thighs down, and kept fucking against him. Rhett’s head fell back, and his mouth opened in a silent scream as he came. The feeling of Rhett coming all over Link’s cock pushed him over the edge as Rhett continued to slow his pace and milk the last few drops from both of them. 

Link collapsed onto Rhett’s chest, and they stayed there for a moment, their arms wrapped around each other. Rhett kissed Link on the temple. They repositioned themselves slightly so they were both lying down, Link still curled up in Rhett’s long limbs. Both of their heads were still spinning as they fell asleep, too blissed out to care about cleaning up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rhett's performance is inspired by the song [That Day](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rShdRx2zhRs) performed by Michael Pitt in the Gus Van Sant movie, Last Days.


	9. Day 8-Mettanisamsa Sutta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christy comes to visit after Link and Rob make a shocking decision.  
> Rhett is called away from the morning meditation session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to listen to day 8 chant you can do so[ here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixB_hrDRlQc&t=950s)
> 
> if you'd like to listen to day 8 lecture you can do so[ here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us5Iq302eNU&t=503s)

** Day 8 Mettanisamsa Sutta **

Link woke up sticky and greasy from the night before, but even his typical clean freak tendencies couldn’t care less. He was happy. He couldn’t quite understand how he had such a deep connection with someone he’d barely had a conversation with. But when Rhett looked into his eyes, he felt seen in a way he never had been before.

He looked at the alarm clock and saw it was still twenty minutes until morning gong. Normally, he would have been content to lie their lazily with Rhett. To just sit and breathe the other man in. But he had an idea. He nudged Rhett in the shoulder who protested with a sleepy whine. Link nudged him again. Rhett opened his right eye and gave Link a _you gotta be kiddin’ me_ look.

Link just grinned and tugged on his arm until Rhett reluctantly got out of bed. Link pulled him to the bathroom and into the small shower stall. Rhett couldn’t help but smile wildly as Link adjusted the water to a good temperature and then dropped to his knees. He lapped at the water than ran in rivulets down Rhett’s hip bones as he washed the previous night’s events off his belly and thighs. He moved on to Rhett’s balls. He licked them slowly with a firm flat tongue. Rhett had to brace himself against the shower wall, afraid he might collapse entirely as Link wrapped his full lips around Rhett’s hard cock.

He let saliva pool in his mouth until it was dripping down Rhett, which made it easier for him to bob his head and hollow his cheeks around Rhett’s thickness. He wanted to taste every inch of Rhett. This was just the beginning. No matter what was to come for the two of them, they were here together for the next three days and Link planned on spending every spare moment exploring this giant man. Rhett lovingly pushed the wet hair off Link’s forehead and looked down into his impossibly blue eyes. Link couldn’t wait. He started jerking himself off as he took Rhett deeper and faster. He popped his lips off with a wet smack that found Rhett’s dick bobbing against his cheek, searching for his mouth. Link pushed Rhett against the wall, trapping him as he took Rhett all the way into his throat. He buried his face Rhett’s pubic hair, and breathed in the comforting clean scent of his lover.

Rhett’s legs shook as he came and when Link let him go he slid down the shower wall, onto his knees. He took Link’s face in his hands and kissed him roughly, tasting himself on Link’s tongue. Link came hard and fast, all over his belly.

The pair stood and Rhett grabbed some shampoo. He poured some into his hands and then worked the lather through Link’s hair gently scratching his scalp. Link rinsed his hair and Rhett repeated with the conditioner, taking the opportunity to kiss Link anytime his lips were in close enough proximity. He soaped up Link’s back, chest and belly, lightly massaging his skin with the soap suds. The first gong rang and they both sighed, sad to cut their shower short. They finished quickly and headed into the room to get dressed.

Link gratefully accepted an outfit from Rhett, an olive tunic and paisley pants. Rhett wore a purple tank top and charcoal grey linen pants. They stifled grins as they made their way to the meditation hall. Even the two inches between them as they walked abreast down the hallway seemed like they were too far apart. They settled on a spot near the back of the room, side by side.

The other participants filed into the room, along with Tess, the woman who’d checked Link in on their first day. She bent down and gently put her hand on Rhett’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Rhett, I need to speak to you.” Rhett nodded. “No...uhh…not here. Come with me please.”

Link looked up quizzically as Rhett rose. He went to open his mouth to speak but before he could Tess interjected. “This doesn’t concern you. The sit is about to begin. I suggest you focus on that,” she said firmly as she escorted Rhett out of the hall and Micah entered to begin the session.

The chanting began. Eventually Link’s eyes stopped flicking back to the door in search of Rhett. He’d be back when whatever business he needed to attend to was finished. Link figured he’d probably slide in and sit in the back of the room not to disturb anyone. Once he resigned himself that Rhett wouldn’t be by his side for the meditation, it made it easier to concentrate on his breath, on the dharma, and to slip under.

* * *

He heard the door to the apartment slam, which woke him from a dead sleep. He looked at the bedroom clock. It was six in the morning. He sighed and closed his eyes again. He woke up at eight to loud music pouring out of the living room. The floors vibrated with bass. He pulled on his favourite old star wars tee and groggily made his way into the main room.

Rob was sitting at the table, chain smoking and typing furiously. His head bobbed along to the loud guitar music as he muttered to himself. “Morning sunshine,” he said to Link as he took a long drag off his cigarette.

Link coughed a little and cracked open a window to let in some fresh air.

“You sleep at all?” he asked.

“Nah, gonna finish this review.”

Link looked over his shoulder, _Mythical Boring_ the headline read. The subtitle read _Sound tech’s tragedy porn project will make you wish you had died along with his wife and kids._

“What is wrong with you?” Link asked, horrified.

“What? Oh the article? Look, it’s what gets the clicks. The clicks are what gets me paid.”

“Did you really think it was boring? I was so moved by it.”

“It was just an hour and a half of self flagellation. He may as well have gotten on stage and jerked off. That would have been less of a bummer, anyway.”

“... Jesus.”

“You’d probably be into that though, the way you were flirting with him.”

“What?”

“I saw you talking, how you were looking up at him with cartoon heart eyes. What, were you offering to suck him off backstage?”

“God, we were talking about how we’re both from North Carolina, and about my stupid pink cast. That’s it. And for the record, I’m with you. Even though you basically abandoned me last night. Which reminds me, you’re doing cocaine now?”

“I’m in the music industry, Link. It would be weird if I _didn’t_ do coke. It’s not a big deal.”

“Don’t you think this is something your boyfriend should know about?”

“I mean, not really? It’s not like I do it all the time.”

Link sighed and slid into the chair next to Rob. “I’m tired.” he said as he crossed his arms on the table and put his head on them.

“Hey,” Rob said softly. “You know what I’m addicted to? It’s not cocaine or booze. It’s you. I love you so fucking much it hurts. I’m so afraid you’ll leave me that I think sometimes I push you away. Because I don’t understand why someone as amazing as you would want to be with me.” He held Link’s hand, stroking the back of it softly.

“Really?” Link said, raising his head to look Rob in the eyes.

“Marry me.”

“W-what?”

“Marry me, Link. Today. We’ll go to Vegas. You’ve been so brave with your broken arm. You’re so strong and beautiful and I know I don’t deserve you, but marry me. I love you so much.”

“Today? But I want Christy there… maybe we can talk about it when my cast is off. I don’t want to get married in this thing. Heck, my hand is still too swollen to wear a ring.”

Rob typed furiously on his computer. “Oh, this this is perfect. Link, there’s a smoking good deal on a flight, but we have to be at the airport in two hours. I even found a way around the ring situation. Please marry me, today. I want to be your husband. I don’t want to wait.”

“I…” Link said, his throat tight with emotion.

“Do you love me?”

“Yes.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Book it,” Link replied.

Rob hit enter and then stood up, pulling Link with him. He wrapped his arms around him and kissed him. “Go pack, we gotta get goin’.”

Link packed an overnight bag. Rob pretty much only owned jeans and band shirts, so Link wore black skinny trousers and a white button down shirt with a small black graphic print on it. He threw a change of clothes and some toiletries into a backpack and nervously paced around the apartment while Rob finished his article and sent it off. They got their flight and were in Las Vegas by noon.

They got into a cab and Rob gave the driver an address. Link figured it would be a hotel, or one of the cute campy chapels, but instead, they pulled up to a tattoo parlour.

“What in the world,” Link said with wide eyes as Rob paid the cabbie and they got out of the car.

 _Everlasting Love Tattoos and Nuptials_ it said with white graphic text on the large picture window that looked out onto the street. .

“Told ya I found a solution to your ring predicament,” Rob said with a wink as he opened the door to the shop.

Rob walked confidently up to the counter. “Hey, you do walk ins for the ‘til death package?”

A large tattooed man opened a book on the desk. He wore a grey Dickies work shirt, black jeans and had a long white beard and soft brown eyes. He licked his thumb and flipped through the pages. “Yeah, I can fit y’all in. Choose your rings,” he said and pointed to a page of flash art on the wall. Link got a little dizzy as he looked at the different options of tattooed rings. He settled on a plain black band, about an eighth of an inch wide. Rob choose a more complex Celtic knot pattern.

They filled out the required information on the marriage license and the owner photocopied their driver's licenses. “Not often we get two dudes. One of you wanna walk down the aisle or just both come up here?”

Rob grinned excitedly at Link. “Holy shit, we’re doing this.”

Link sighed with a bit of relief that Rob seemed slightly nervous too. It gave him the courage to press on. He took Rob’s hand and they walked down the aisle together to a small arch covered in black tule and fairy lights.

“Welcome to Everlasting Love Tattoo and Nuptials. My name is Mike and you two are about to get hitched! Can I get a fuck yeah?!”

“Fuck yeah,” they both said weakly.

“Come on, you can do better than that. FUCK YEAH!”

“FUCK YEAH!” they both responded. Link chuckled slightly at the absurdity of it all.

“Alright, face each other and hold hands,” Mike said.

Link took a long look at Rob. They’d only met a few months ago. Sure, he could be as asshole, but Link wasn’t perfect either. And despite all his faults, Rob loved him in a way _no one_ had ever loved him. Rob winked at him and his anxiety eased a little and Mike proceeded with the ceremony.

“Repeat after me please, I…” he looked down at the paperwork they’d provided, “Robert John Lamont, take you Charles Lincoln Neal to be my husband. My partner in crime, and my love until death parts us,” Mike said in a bored monotone.

“I, Robert John Lamont, take you Charles Lincoln Neal to be my husband. My partner in crime, and my love until death parts us.”

“Same for you, names reversed,” he said, pointing finger guns at Link.

“I, Charles Lincoln Neal, take you Robert John Lamont, to be my husband. My partner in crime, and my love until death parts us.”

“Robert, do you take Charles to be your husband?”

“I do.”

“Do you promise to love, honour, cherish and protect him, forsaking all others and holding only unto him?

“I do.”

“Charles do you take Robert to be your husband?”

“I do.”

“And all the other stuff?”

Link couldn’t help but let a bubble of laughter escape. “I do.”

“Metal rings are usually worn as a symbol of the unbroken circle of your love. But you guys are extra special. By getting your rings tattooed, you are commiting your union to one another permanently on your skin. So let’s do that now. Robert you’re up first.” Mike patted the seat at the tattoo station and pulled on a pair of black nitrile gloves. He prepped Rob’s finger and soon the tattoo machine hummed as he etched fine lines into his skin.

Link’s stomach flipped with anticipation. He was suddenly keenly aware that he’d had nothing to eat that day aside from some pretzels on the plane. Before he knew it, Rob was finished and Mike had set up a clean station. Link swallowed thickly as he walked over and sat on the small stool. His cast made a loud _thunk_ as he placed his arm on the rolling metal table. Mike disinfected his finger and began the tattoo gun.

It didn’t hurt as much as he thought it might, although he was still on painkillers for his arm. It was like a hot stinging that got increasingly hotter as Mike tattooed him. By the end he was trying his best not to squirm. His leg bounced up and down and he bit his lower lip, but eventually Mike said, “all done,” as he pulled off his gloves.

Link stood and held up his hand so he could see. Small beads of blood rose to the surface and bubbled around the black ink. He swayed back and forth before fainting into Mike’s barrel chest and arms.

“Babe,” Rob said tapping him on the cheek, “Shit, you okay?”

Link nodded as things came back into focus. “Sorry, I’m not good with blood.”

“Here,” Mike said, handing him a bottle of orange juice. “We keep this on hand in case of fainters.”

Link nodded and took a few sips. He gave a thumbs up. “Much better, thanks.”

“Alright I just need you to sign here…” he said to Rob pointing at the marriage license. “Great and here for you,” he said to Link, who signed on the appropriate line. “Now by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, you may now kiss your husband!”

Rob cradled Link’s face, tears streaming as he kissed him. “I love you so much Link,” he whispered between kisses.

Mike poured them both a shot of bourbon. Link wasn't sure it was a good idea after fainting, but it would be bad luck not to toast their nuptials.

“Can I take a polaroid for our Wall of the Wed?” Mike asked.

A large cork board hung on the wall, full of heavily tattooed couples who’d just gotten married. Rob put his arm around Link and pulled him close. “Ok ring fingers up!” Mike said as he snapped two pictures. The picture was cute, albeit not your traditional wedding pose. In the background, Rob and Link kissed, their hands extended to take up the majority of the image. At first glance, it looked like they were flipping the bird, but it was their tattooed ring fingers up on display to say _fuck you world, we’re married._ He had Rob and Link sign one which went on the wall, the other he slipped into an envelope for them to keep.

Mike wrapped up their fresh tattoos and it was all over. Link was married. His head was spinning.

* * *

Link opened his eyes. He looked around the room and despite the session being over, Rhett still hadn’t returned to the meditation hall. Link stood and went to their room. He was worried, and truthfully could use a bit of comforting after that particular memory. When he got to the room, it was empty. All of Rhett’s stuff was gone. Link opened the dresser, it was empty. None of his clothes hung in the closet. His shoes were gone. So was his toothbrush. The only thing left were two of his outfits, folded neatly and left on the bed for Link.

Link sunk down on the floor. Why had Rhett left? Had someone heard them the night before? If so, why wasn’t he being escorted out as well? Did Rhett panic and leave? Maybe he had someone at home waiting for him and he felt guilty for getting it on with his meditation buddy. Whatever it was, Link felt lost. He climbed into bed which still smelled like their lovemaking and wept. He couldn’t bring himself to believe the worst of Rhett. There was something about him that was too earnest. Maybe Rhett was a distraction. Going it alone for the next two days, as painful as that felt, might just be what he needed.

He cried until there were no tears left to cry, and then returned to the meditation hall.

* * *

_Soooooo I did something…._

_What did you do now?_

_[wed.jpg]_

_Link… no! You got married?!_

_What the fuck. and is that a CAST?_

_What happened to your arm?_

_Yeah we went to Vegas yesterday_

_And I fell a few weeks ago and broke_

_It. it’s not a big deal._

_A few WEEKS ago?! Why didn’t_

_You tell me? Oh my God, Link._

_It’s okay Christy. Really._

_It looks worse than it is because_

_I chose this dumb pink cast._

_Still, you should have told me._

_You haven’t messaged me much_

_Lately. I miss you. I want to know_

_What’s going on in your life._

_Not find out weeks later._

_I know. I’m sorry. I’ll try harder._

_It’s okay Linky. So… dare I ask._

_?_

_How was the wedding night. :D_

_OMG Christy._

_Well?_

_I passed out early. I’m still on pain meds_

_For my arm. He went down to the casino._

_So yeah. Typical vegas wedding._

_Wow. sounds super romantic._

_You’re happy though, right? As long_

_As you’re happy, I’ll be happy for you._

_I’m happy._

_Good. I have some news_

_That might make you happier._

_What’s that?_

_I have enough air miles to come and_

_See you. I was thinking_

_maybe in three weeks?_

_Oh gosh! Yes please!_

_I’ll show you around town._

_We’ll go to little korea. Bring_

_An extra suitcase and load up on_

_Cheap beauty products. You’ll love it!_

_Do you need to check with the husband?_

_Or can I book my flight?_

_He’ll be out of town until Sunday_

_Of that weekend so go ahead and_

_Book it._

_Awesome! California here I come!_

When Christy arrived, Link was buzzing with excitement. Luckily, he’d had a few freelance contracts come through so he had a bit of money to throw around. They did all the tourist stuff he still hadn’t done since moving to LA. They window shopped and celebrity spotted on Rodeo Drive. They stuck their hands in prints on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. But mostly they just lay in bed together, giggling and telling stories like they were teenagers again.

After a fun weekend of catching up, Rob returned. Christy had helped Link prepare a nice dinner of good Southern Comfort food. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and sweet potato pie. Link was thankful that Rob seemed to be in a good mood. He was instantly chatty and charming with Christy. He’d even picked up a few bottles of wine on the way home from the airport. Link beamed with pride at his small but charming home, his handsome husband, and his lifelong best friend. He wished every day could be like this.

By dessert, they had killed three bottles of wine. Link excused himself to go to the washroom. Between the wine and the company, he felt warm and cozy. Like he was wrapped in a big blanket of love.

When he returned to the living room, it was empty. He saw them in a dark corner of the kitchen. Christy backed into a corner beside the pantry, Rob’s hands on her hips as he kissed her neck. Her blonde hair hid her face.

“What are you thinkin’!,” Link said as he stormed into the room.

Rob pulled away and Link could see the tears streaming down Christy’s face.

“Why him Chris?” Link said as his hands balled into fists.

“It's not-... he-,” Christy tried to choke out between sobs.

“Why HIM?! You always have to get in the middle and mess things up don’t you? Can’t just let me be happy. You’ve been pushing me around since the first day of grade one and I’m sick of it. Maybe this doesn’t mean anything to y’all,” he said pointing to his tattooed finger, “but it damn well means something to me.”

“Link, no. I-” she tried to speak over heaving sobs.

“I’m sorry Link,” Rob said, his hand on his shoulder, “You know I can be a bit of a flirt, especially when I’ve had a few, but Christy came on to me, and-”

“Yeah, and you let her, didn’t you?” Link said, his eyes dark and cold.

“Hey,” Rob said softly “you really think I would do that?”

Link shook his head silently and the tears began to flow.

“So that’s it?” Christy said, finally finding her voice. “He forces himself on me and you’re just going to believe him? Thirty years down the drain? He’s a fucking asshole, Link. I’m sorry you can’t see that. I don’t know what kinda spell he has on you, but you can’t see the forest for the goddamned trees,” she said as she shoved her belongings in her suitcase and slammed the front door.

* * *

He felt nauseous again. He remembered Micah’s instructions. To breathe. He took long slow breaths and soon, the nausea subsided. How could he have been so callous? In the moment, it seemed like she was in the wrong, but of course Christy would never have betrayed him. She had been his rock their entire life and he threw it all away because he had believed someone who didn’t deserve it.

He went to lunch, and ate something, but he was too preoccupied with his grief to even register the taste or texture of the food he was mindlessly spooning into his mouth. In a lot of ways, Christy was his other half. His platonic soulmate. And he’d fucked everything up. She deserved better. He shouldn’t have pulled away, or tried to pretend that everything was good when it wasn’t. He should have listened to her when she thought it was a bad idea for him to be with Rob. But above all, he should have defended her when his husband forced himself on her. It made him feel sick that he’d allowed Rob to twist his view of things to that point. He should have punched Rob in the face and gone back to North Carolina.

That day’s discourse video felt like a repetition of every other video they’d watched. An hour of S.N. Goenka going on and on about liberating oneself from craving. Link didn’t know how much more of it he could take. Over and over again being told to let go of pain and misery, like it was just that easy. That somehow he could breathe it all away and be free.

Link collapsed into the bottom bunk, exhausted. The sun hadn’t even set yet, but he was completely wrung out and useless. He wrapped himself in the blanket and tried to pretend that he was safe and warm in Rhett’s arms.


	10. Day 9-Mangala Sutta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link remembers, and makes peace, with some big changes in his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you'd like to listen to the day 9 discourse you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYkbf1Dc1rs&t=1543s)
> 
> if you'd like to watch the day 9 lecture you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeCO_EQ0vN8)

** Day 9 Mangala Sutta **

Link woke and got dressed. Getting up at four AM had become easier. Everything was easy, because he felt so broken. It didn’t matter if he ate, slept, or how many hours he sat and meditated. He was just floating through the experience on some other plane. He wasn’t even sure he was alive anymore. The first few days had felt like Hell, his time with Rhett was Heaven, and now he’d settled into an unending purgatory where every day felt exactly the same. Rise, meditate, eat, meditate, eat, discourse, sleep. Rinse and repeat, forever. 

He settled into a comfortable position on the floor of the meditation hall and let the slow drone of his Guru’s voice wash over him.

* * *

Things had been chilly between Link and his husband since Christy’s visit. He tried his best to take Rob’s word that Christy had instigated contact, but everytime he thought about it his stomach twisted in knots. He felt like he was going through the motions of being married. That he had a husband in name, but not action. Rob was away for work a lot again, and when he was home Link tried to direct as much of his time as possible to his volunteer work at the LGBTQ Youth Centre.

“Earth to Link…?” Stevie said, waving her hands in front of his face. 

“Sorry. I zoned out for a second,” he said with an apologetic grin. 

“I brought you a coffee,” she said, guiding a paper cup into his hand.

“Thanks, you’re a lifesaver. I’ve been helping Cassie edit this grant proposal,” he said as he removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“She told me what a great help you’ve been around here. You’re unemployed right now, aren’t you?”

“I get what I can freelancing, but yeah, I don’t have anything steady,” he said with a sigh.

“I’m hiring for Buzzfeed. I need someone to go try different wellness services, ya know, bullshit LA stuff, and write about them. One a week. Five to six thousand words. How are your photography skills?”

“I’m no Annie Leibovitz, but I know my way around a camera and photoshop.”

“I know you can work hard. You pour your heart into your work here, more than anyone I’ve ever seen. Hell, my girlfriend runs this place and I don’t put in half the time you do. Come in Monday and sign your hiring paperwork. Ten AM?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, Link. Seriously. I’ve read up on your career, and found some of your old writing online. I want you to be on my team.”

Link stood and threw his arms around her. He held back tears as he gave her a tight squeeze. 

Stevie laughed, delighted with Link’s gratitude. “I’ll be your boss though, none of this mushy crap at work, alright?”

“Yes, boss,” Link said as he collapsed back into his chair with relief. 

 

He returned to his apartment that afternoon to find his husband passed out in bed. Link shook him gently. “Rob. Babe? I have good news.”

“Hmmm,” Rob said. As he rolled over his eyes opened halfway, and his pupils were unsettlingly small. He blinked a few times, and then closed them.

“Rob,” he said, shaking him harder. “I got a job. We’re going to be okay. We aren’t going to be broke all the time anymore!”

“Hrmmkkay,” Rob mumbled.

“Are you alright?” Link asked, placing his wrist on Rob’s forehead to see if he had a temperature. Link frowned when Rob’s forehead was cold and clammy. He shook him harder. “Rob… ROB…. WAKE UP!” he yelled. He studied Rob’s face. His lips were tinged blue. Link tried to open Rob’s eyes, but his lids were like lead. 

With shaky hands, Link fished his phone out of his pocket. “Hello, 911? I think my husband has overdosed.”

It felt like hours that he sat there, trying to shake Rob awake. In reality, it was only a few minutes before he could hear the sirens coming down the street. He ran out the door and down the stairs to open the front door to the apartment and direct the EMTs. “Through here,” he said as he pointed to the bedroom. 

He hung back in the living room in order to give the paramedics some space. He heard them talking to Rob as they assessed him. He tried to breathe, but his chest felt tight as he paced back and forth in the tiny distance between the kitchen and living room. He heard a loud clatter emerge from the bedroom. One of the paramedics yelled, “Sir!” And Link turned around to see Rob running full speed out of the apartment. Link froze. Everything moved in slow motion as the paramedics gave chase. One of them pressed a button on the speaker on his shoulder. “We need police back up, patient is fleeing the premises on foot.”

Everything clicked for Link, and he began to run for the door. “Sir, you need to stay here. The police are on their way,” one of the EMT’s yelled before he ran after his collegue. 

A few minutes later, a male and female police officer arrived; and the paramedics had returned, unable to find Rob. They filled the police in on what happened, and then left to attend to another call. 

“Can you tell us where your husband may have acquired opioides?” the male officers asked.

Link sat on the futon, his leg shaking nervously. It was like he just realized they had arrived, even though he’d gone through the motions of acknowledging them.

“No…. I don’t know… I’m sorry, can I get you guys some coffee? Glass of water?”

“No, Mr. Neal. We need you to listen. Anywhere he could have gotten pain killers?”

“Oh,” Link said quietly. “Oh no.” He got up and walked briskly to the bathroom, and opened the medicine cabinet. The vial of painkillers he’d been prescribed when he broke his arm had one solitary pill left at the bottom of the bottle. He returned to the living room pale and clammy.

“I… I broke my arm. Just got the cast off last week,” he said awkwardly, holding up his cast-less arm. I only took these when absolutely necessary. It was half full.”

“Does he have a history of drug use?”

“No… well, he smokes pot, and I guess does cocaine from time to time. And he drinks… a lot. But he’s a music journalist, it kind of comes with the territory.”

“Has he ever hit you?” The female officer asked.

Link was taken aback at the pointedness of her question. “What? No. I-”

“I don’t believe you,” she said bluntly. “But if he hasn’t yet, he will,” she said matter of factly. 

“Officer...” her colleague said sternly.

She rolled her eyes. “I’ve seen it dozens of times, Jerry. Look at him. If this isn’t an abuse case…”

“That’s for Mr. Neal to decide, not us.”

“Fine, look, Mr. Neal. When you’re ready, do you have someone you can turn to? A friend? Even a colleague you can call if you’re in danger?”

He really had no one. Even if he called Christy, he was pretty sure she wouldn’t even take his call — let alone fly to California from North Carolina to rescue him. But he nodded anyway. He just wanted the officers to leave.

“If you hear from him, we need you to call us. Here’s our card. Do you have a photo of him we can put out? Usually we wait to file a missing person’s report, but he needs to get to a hospital. The EMTs gave him naloxone, but it might not be enough.” The officer handed him a card with his contact information.

“Yeah. Here,” Link walked to the kitchen and pulled a photo off the corkboard. It was from their first few weeks living together. Rob held the camera up for a selfie, his face perfectly framed. Link was bent over him to give him a kiss on the cheek. Link was mostly cropped out of the photo. Initially, he thought it was a cute picture, but now it just made his stomach turn. 

* * *

Link was back in the meditation hall. Several of the other attendees were sobbing softly, and he felt some weird comfort in their sadness. This was a solitary journey, but he wasn’t alone. How could he have been so blind? That officer had spent three minutes with him, and could see how broken he was. He wondered if he was weak, or maybe just an idiot. He had been blind to Rob’s substance abuse. He’d rationalized it, and ignored it, because he didn’t want to - yet again - fail at love.

At breakfast, he drank a mug of lemon tea. He went back to his room for another sweater. He was so cold all of a sudden. He made a stop in the bathroom, and looked at his face. He’d barely realized that he hadn’t shaved in over a week. He had thick scruff, verging on a full beard. His friends in college had always teased him for how fast he could grow a beard. For the first time, he noticed the silver patches of hair in it, showing his age. He looked tired. No, _exhausted_. He walked back to the meditation hall. His knees and hips cracked loudly as he sat down again for another session.

* * *

Link somehow managed to settle into his job at Buzzfeed despite Rob’s disappearance. On the third day of his absence, Link finally decided to call Rob’s work. After his call was rerouted several times, he finally got through to someone who had a somewhat familiar name.

“Will Haynes,” the voice said on the other line.

“Hi, are you Rob Lamont’s boss, or colleague? This is his husband calling, it’s urgent.”

“Ummm… I _was_ his boss? He got fired last week. He didn’t show up for his last two assignments, or turn in anything. Was happy to take the flights, stay in the hotels we payed for, and spend his per diem though.”

“Fuck… you’ve got to be kidding me… okay thanks. If he shows up or something, can you please call me?”

“Yeah, man. Take it easy.”

Link ended the call, and paced in small circles around the Buzzfeed parking lot. He knew he had to go back inside and get to work. He plastered on a fake smile, and went to his desk. Working in the open office was difficult. Everyone was young and loud. They all dressed weird, and had bright coloured hair and facial piercings. He’d always considered himself pretty trendy but around them, he felt downright ancient. And with all of them blabbering about Tinder hookups and one night stands, he was pretty sure no one could relate to his marital strife. He put on his headphones, and did his best to drown out the chatter as he wrote an article about the experience he’d had that morning of going to a weird footspa where creepy little bug eyed fish eat the dead skin off your feet. 

He’d managed to complete his first article. He’d even shot and edited the photographs, and was pretty proud of his work. Sure, it wasn’t head editor of a nationally recognized newspaper like he’d worked on back in Raleigh, but it was something. Stevie was thrilled with his work, and he felt good to have met her expectations and produced something entertaining. 

He rode the bus back to his apartment, drained after a long day. He walked up the stairs and opened the apartment, startled by the figure sitting on the futon in the living room. 

“Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me,” he said grasping his chest. He threw his backpack on the floor and ran over to Rob. Despite everything he was still relieved that Rob was home, and alive. Link tried to wrap his arms around him, but he shoved him off. 

“You seem to be in a good mood. Glad I was gone, I guess,” Rob said sullenly.

“I tried to tell you the other day, I got a job. It’s not like I could call in day one like, _Oh hello. Sorry, I won’t be in. My husband decided to down a bottle of painkillers, and then run away._ They would have told me to shove the job up my ass. So sorry I was thinking about our future.”

“Right.”

“So. Where did you run off to then?”

“I borrowed my buddy Dan’s car, and started driving down to Mexico. Just needed to get away from all of _this_. I made it to San Diego before I realized I didn’t have my passport, so I rented a motel there for a few nights. Hung out with a few gogo dancers that had some good blow. Y’know. But then my credit card was maxed out, so—” he shrugged.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Link yelled. “I moved out here _for you_. I gave up my career _for you._ I lost my best friend because of _you._ I even got married to prove that I was committed _to you._ And what? You get bored of me, and go fuck some dancers in a dirty motel? Guys or girls? Actually, it doesn’t even matter.” Link went into the bathroom, and locked the door. He turned on the shower to hide the sound, and sat on the floor in front of the sink, sobbing. 

Rob banged on the door. “Right, Link. You think I can’t fucking hear you crying? You’re just trying to guilt me. You’re such an asshole. If you’re that miserable, leave me. I always knew you would. I know I’m a piece of shit, but you promised for better or for worse. This was supposed to be fun, and instead I just have some _wife_ who nags me all the time. ‘Don’t do drugs, don’t have fun, just be a good boring husband.’ _Blah blah blah_. If I wanted that, I would have married a woman.” 

Link pushed himself off the floor, and turned off the water. He took a deep sigh, and opened the door. “That’s the thing about it, Rob. This isn’t fun for me. It never has been. It’s all been on your terms and I’ve just been pulled along. There are these moments where you can be so sweet and loving, and I think, _Okay. Maybe it can be like this all the time. Maybe he can change._ And it lasts for a few hours, or if I’m lucky - a few days, and then you go back to this miserable person. Do you even realize how much you cut me down? How small you make me feel? I used to have passions, I used to care about things. Now my life if just spent trying to figure out how to keep you happy.”

Rob reeled back his fist and punched Link in the cheek. He felt a bolt of lightning shoot through his skull as he fell against the wall. 

“Fuck, babe... I’m sorry. You just-” Shocked by his own action, Rob dropped to his knees, and tried to hug Link around the waist.

Link began to laugh. It seemed insane to laugh but he couldn’t help it. He pushed Rob aside, and left the apartment. He walked a few blocks to a nearby coffee shop. 

“Jeeze... You’re bleeding, sir!” the barista said to him, as she handed him a pile of napkins. He blotted the blood off his face. 

“Sorry, thank you. I’m okay. Could I get some ice? And also a vanilla latte? I’m going to wait here while I call my friend to help me if that’s alright.”

She nodded and handed him ice cubes wrapped in a cloth, and prepared his order. 

“On the house,” she said with a sad smile when she handed him his drink.

He sighed, and pulled out his phone. “Hey Stevie,” he said into the receiver. 

“I need some help. I hope this doesn’t make things weird for us at work, but you’re the only friend I have in LA. Could I stay on your and Cassie’s couch for a few days while I find a new place? Also I need the number for your divorce lawyer friend” 

* * *

At lunch, Link ate a hearty serving of vegetable tofu stir fry. He was starving after barely eating the last few meals. He’d endured the worst of his memories. That day had seemed so surreal when it had happened. When Rob punched him, he’d burst into giggles like a madman. His reaction was so out of the blue, but in hindsight, it made sense. The female officer who had seemed so callous had seen it so clearly. She’d called it right off the bat. And when his husband’s fist connected to his face, it was like the spell he’d had over Link had been broken and he was able to see Rob for who he truly was: aselfish little boy who didn’t deserve Link’s love.

Link took a long walk outside, and felt lighter than air. He returned for discourse to watch the days video of S.N. Goenka speak. “The ninth day is over. You are coming nearer and nearer to the closing day of the ten day seminar. Having worked seriously for nine days on this technique, understand how you will make use of this technique in your day to day life. If you don’t do that. then the purpose of you joining a course like this is not served. It will become a Vipassana right or ritual. It will not become helpful. Vipassana is not for that purpose. Vipassana is an art of living. How to live a proper life, a moral life, a peaceful life, a harmonious life. Good for oneself and also good for others. One must keep on examining oneself whether Vipassana is really teaching me how to live a proper life. This is only possible when you go home and practice every day morning and evening… in your daily life, you are to see how this technique has started helping you.” He encouraged them to continue practicing daily, to reflect and not settle back into a life of craving and misery, but to be light, and free from burden with constant self reflection and work.

After discourse, he snuck off the grounds back to Rhett’s hotspring. He wished Rhett was here with him. He thought about how much more fun the hot spring would be if they’d fooled around in it. What it would feel like to lie out on one of the large, flat, warm sun soaked rocks and let Rhett’s long fingers trace along his body. 

He figured he’d never see Rhett again, and he’d made peace with that. There was no point in dwelling on what ifs and maybes. What they’d had only lasted a few days, but it was still beautiful. He’d probably never know Rhett’s reason for leaving; but he believed, whatever it was, it was for the right reasons. Also, Micah was right: Rhett was a distraction. It was only after he’d left that Link was able to face his worst memories, and not hide from them. And for that, he was grateful.

The sun began to set over the desert, and Link got dressed and returned to his room. Tomorrow would be his last full day. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He’d settled into the routine here. Even the thought of carrying on a spoken conversation seemed exhausting. His work was almost done. Or maybe it was just beginning. This was the starting off point for more work, introspection and self healing. 


	11. Day 10- Metta Sutta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Link's final day of mediation ends, he takes some time to reflect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to listen to day 10 chant you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpgFcvoy9a0)
> 
> if you'd like to watch day 10 lecture you can do so [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzrQ2HMFOuo)

** Day 10 Metta Sutta **

Link woke to the quiet stillness of the early morning. He got dressed in the last outfit Rhett had left him: burnt orange pants and a cream tunic. He made his way to the meditation hall and prepared for his final morning sit. For the last time, he heard the droning chant of the guru S.N. Goenka over the speaker. It was almost automatic at this point, the way his breath fell in line and he slipped into his memories.

* * *

Link slept on Stevie’s couch for a week until he was able to find a studio apartment that fit his budget. It was tiny, smaller than his bedroom back in his house in Raleigh. In one corner, he had a futon which doubled as a bed, and a desk for his laptop. In the other corner he had a few shelves, a hotplate, microwave and bar fridge. It wasn't much, but it was all his. 

He met with a divorce lawyer. It was all pretty simple. He and Rob had no assets to divide, so it boiled down to a matter of a few notarized signatures. Thankfully, he didn't even have to see Rob again. The only thing he asked in the divorce was to have one afternoon to go to the apartment and collect his things without Rob there. 

He pulled up to the apartment building in Stevie’s car. He was nervous as he pulled a few flat cardboard boxes out of the trunk of the car and carried them up to the apartment. The keys were left, as instructed, with his former next door neighbour. 

“...Hello?” Link said cautiously as he opened the door. He was relieved to find the apartment empty, as agreed upon. The place was a mess. An ashtray of cigarette butts and weed roaches overflowed on the coffee table, which was covered in ash. Empty beer cans littered the floor. He closed his eyes, and shook his head. His heart sank at the mess Rob had become, but some small part of him wondered if it was just a show to make him feel guilty. Whatever it was, however, Rob wasn't his problem anymore. 

He hurriedly packed up his clothes and the few belongings he had and loaded them into the trunk of Stevie's car. He closed the door, locked it, and returned the keys to his former neighbour; happy that he’d never have to return to this place, and all the memories it brought back. 

He settled into his new life. Work was alright. He wouldn’t say he enjoyed it, but at least he had Stevie. He hadn’t exactly endeared himself to the rest of his colleagues. Sometimes he could be too blunt. He wasn’t proud of the fact that he’d yelled at a coworker on more than one occasion. He would just get so frustrated. Did they have to stand right beside his desk and talk _so loudly_ when he was trying to work? It was like they all stood around joking and laughing all day, not working. Although, somehow, they all managed to produce epic amounts of viral content. Most of his articles were well received. He had the odd piece that would hit, but never had an epic viral success like some of his colleagues. His old school journalist style just didn’t suit this new form of media.

His social life wasn’t much better. Sometimes Stevie would drag him out to a gay bar, but he never went home with anyone. He’d had a few coworkers hit on him, but they were all too young for his taste. Sometimes he’d get lonely and swipe through Tinder, looking for a potential match; but usually he’d end up uninstalling the app in frustration. Sometimes, when he was especially lonely, he’d Google Rob’s name. All of Rob’s social media was set to private and Link had unfollowed him during the split so he didn’t have much of a window into his life. From what Link could tell, he wasn’t working in music journalism anymore. Once, his name showed up on the obituaries page and Link’s stomach fluttered with a perverse excitement. He clicked on the link only to find the death notice of an eighty-seven year old man with the same name. He wondered how he would feel if it had actually been Rob’s obituary. How he would feel reading his ex-husband’s life summed up into a few inches of copy. After searching for him, Link would always be angry with himself. Why did he care? 

* * *

There seemed to be a bit of levity in the dining hall that morning during breakfast. The fact that they were on the home stretch, completing their last full day resulted in a palpable euphoria in the room as spoons clinked on bowls, and mugs of tea were drunk in silence.

Micah sat down on the stage as the group settled themselves on the floor. “Welcome to your final meditation,” he said with a soft wide smile. “You have all done so well. I hope you have found what you came here for. Or better yet, you have found what you didn’t even know you needed. Now close your eyes, relax your body and breathe in through your nose…”

Link could hardly believe he was on his last mediation. His mind had brought him through the most difficult periods of his life, from being kicked out my his mother; through meeting, marrying and divorcing Rob; and of course, losing Christy in the process. _What an idiot you are_.

* * *

Soon, he felt light. His body hummed with vibration, and he was sitting on the shores of the Cape Fear on a sunny afternoon. Christy was there, dressed in a soft pink sundress, her blonde hair practically translucent in the summer sun.

“Christy,” he said softly.

“Hey Linkster,” she said, playfully knocking her shoulder into his.

“I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot, I should have believed you. _Of course_ it was his fault. You would never have done that to me, and I’m such an asshole for thinking you could, and-”

She raised her finger to his lips to shush him. “Let’s just enjoy the silence,” she whispered.

Link faded in and out, somehow simultaneously in the mediation hall and at the river at the same time, like a double exposed photograph. He heard Micah’s soft voice along with the babbling river. His fingers picked up smooth rocks which he ran his thumb over, enjoying the head that radiated off of them from sitting in the sun, while simultaneously he felt the soft woven mat he sat on in the meditation hall.

“You need to be kinder to yourself,” Christy said softly.

“How’s that?” he responded, pushing his glasses up with his knuckle thoughtfully.

“You loved him. That’s your big crime. You loved him unconditionally, and endlessly, and he took that gift - which is so rare and precious - and squandered it. You aren’t stupid for loving him. You aren’t an idiot for wanting to make it work. You tried so hard, Link. He had to be willing to glue himself back together, not fall to pieces. Love can’t fix someone who’s broken.”

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he nodded.

“I know you’ve been scared to reach out to me. I wasn’t ready for a long time either, but if you call me, I’ll answer.” she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, and then everything began to fade away. The stones, the river, the sunlight, even the meditation hall. He was surrounded with a warm glowing light, and he was nowhere and everywhere all at once. Link wondered if this was what it felt like to die. He wasn’t even sure he belonged to his body anymore. He was energy and light and love. He, like all of us, was made of stars, afterall.

* * *

Slowly, he came back to his body. He was aware of how his breath filled his lungs, how his fingertips tingled, and how _energized_ he felt. His cheeks ached and he wasn’t exactly sure why until he realized he’d been smiling for the better part of the four hour session.

He went to lunch and ate a hearty serving of pasta in a spicy tomato and lentil sauce. It felt good to have his appetite back as he mopped up the extra sauce on his plate with some homemade crusty bread. 

He took the hour before lecture to take one last walk down to the lake. He reflected on his vision of Christy. It wasn’t a memory. They’d never been there as adults, and she would never have been caught in a pink dress, but there she was. A vision of calm serenity that his brain conjured up to deliver his truth. He resolved that the first thing he would do when he got home would be to reach out, and try to rebuild their relationship. She’d been the one constant in his life that had been there for him through thick and thin. She was his home.

Link settled down in front of the television for his last discourse. He would miss the soft measured tones of S.N. Goenka. The lectures had become a source of comfort for him. Goenka reminded them of the importance of following the laws of nature. That one must let go of their ego in order to be happy. They must be connected to the universe in order to remain happy and whole. Enlightenment doesn’t come from a religion or money. It comes from within. One must work only with the truth which allows no illusions, no delusions no cravings and no aversions. They had been through ten days, ten grueling, awful days. But those ten days were designed to break them, and the real work had to be done, to remain free from bondage. “One can come out of all the miseries of the mind. May all of you who have participated in this ten day course make use of this wonderful jewel and come out of your misery. All the misery. Enjoy real peace. Real harmony. Real happiness.”

The participants all applauded as the video ended, having successfully completed their Vipassana course. Micah turned off the television and spoke to the group. “Despite our session being over, we will remain in noble silence until tomorrow morning in order to give you some time to reflect on your experience here. I have some paper and pens, if you’d like to take some time tonight to write some thoughts down. Tomorrow morning you may sleep in. At eight, we will have an hour meditation, and then breakfast. At breakfast you may break your silence and eat together in fellowship and conversation. Until then, have a good night everyone.”

Link grabbed a few pieces of paper and a pen and went back to his room. He sat on the large floor cushion by the window and looked out into to valley. He pulled over a small side table that a plant had been sitting on and used it as a makeshift desk. His hand trembled as he steadied his pen on the page.

_Dear Rob,_

_Do you know how I found out about my mom dying? Of course you don’t, because you never cared to ask. I was three years into my job at the News & Observer and was assigned to the obituaries department. I came into work, and there on my desk was a typed notice of my mother’s death from her fourth husband, Lewis. That’s how I found out she spent a whole year trying to treat terminal cancer. Her husband and step children were listed as the bereaved, but there was no mention of me, her fag of a son. It hurt, y’know? That even on her death bed she didn’t try to make amends. She didn’t care about me enough to make things right. But I found an empty supply closet at the office, and cried my eyes out after reading that obituary. It had been over a decade. She’d thrown me out at seventeen to face life on my own. But at the end of the day, I grieved for her. Because she was my mom, and I loved her with all my heart, even if she didn’t love me. _

_That’s how I’ve always been. I love hard and unconditionally. In college I’d fall hard for “straight” guys that would fuck me, but be too embarrassed to actually date me. They’d say, “If you were a girl, I’d marry your pretty little ass tomorrow.” That’s all anyone has ever told me. That I was wrong. Too gay, too excitable, too loud, too chatty. And I internalized that to the point where I tried to mould myself into what someone needed me to be instead of being myself._

_You were like this beacon in the storm. Someone who said they loved me just the way I was. But that wasn’t the case, was it? You treated me like I was this rare jewel. You wanted to collect me, and make me all your own. And at first that felt nice, to be wanted. But the problem with being someone’s possession is that they can do what they want with you. At first you played with me all the time, you were so proud to show me off as your favourite thing. Then you put me up on a shelf, high and safe collecting dust. Finally, you knocked me down and left me on the floor to be swept up with the rest of your mess._

_And through it all I loved you. I loved you so hard because that’s what I do. After our divorce, I beat myself up for it. I felt stupid for loving someone who treated me the way you did. I felt like an idiot for not seeing red flags and hearing alarm bells. But I just wanted to see the best in you. I wanted to be able to take all your pain and absorb it into my skin so you wouldn’t have to feel it anymore._

_After we split, I used to be afraid to go to our old neighbourhood. How silly is that? There’s how many million people in LA? The odds of running into you are slim. And even if I did, you’re such a coward you’d probably pretend like you didn’t see me anyway. But yet, when I get within ten blocks of your apartment, I feel sick. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I don’t want my life to be haunted by you. I want to love someone who loves me equally. Someone who respects me and sees all of me._

_And that’s why I need to forgive you. Not because what you did was okay. It wasn’t. But until I forgive you, I can’t forgive myself and move on. I used to wish the worst for you. I’m ashamed to say that I wished you were dead more than once. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I’ve spent the last year being very angry. I’ve known no peace. Only misery and anger. Oddly enough, I think I understand you better because of it. I hope you can find a way to quiet the noise in your head and to deal with the things that you push down and try to forget with booze and drugs and sex. I know you had some rough times growing up. Remember that night when we were first dating? I held you in my arms as you cried into my chest and spilled your dark truths. That might have been the only time you were ever truly real with me. That’s the moment in our whole relationship I loved you the most. Honour your pain, and move past it. Otherwise, you’re just passing it onto someone else who doesn’t deserve it._

_I hope you find some peace. I’m starting to find mine._

_-Link_

Link felt like he’d been relieved of his emotional burdens as he folded the letter into thirds and tucked it safely into his suitcase. He got ready for bed and got into the bottom bunk. A faint whiff of Rhett’s scent lingered on the sheets, and Link wept softly with relief as he fell asleep. It was over. Tomorrow he got to go home.


	12. Day 11-Noble Speech

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link completes his time at the Vippasana Centre and is allowed to resume speaking

**Day 11 Noble Speech**

Link woke up panicked when he saw the sunlight streaming in through the window. He’d overslept and missed morning meditation! As the fog of sleep lifted, he remembered it was the final day, and they were allowed to sleep in. He checked the clock and it was six-forty-five am. He chuckled to himself that six in the morning had somehow become sleeping in after his ten days here. He put on a pair of black joggers and his blue David Bowie t-shirt and packed up his belongings. He wasn’t sure what to do with the few pieces of clothes that belonged to Rhett. He had no way of contacting him. His best bet was to leave them with the staff, and hope they found their way to him. As he packed his things he kept looking at the neatly folded clothes sitting on the dresser. He chewed his bottom lip for a moment, and then sat at his makeshift desk to write a quick note.

_Dear Rhett,_

_I hope these clothes were able to find their way back to you. I can never repay you for your kindness. Thank you for lending them to me. I don’t think I could have survived without them. Thank you for your camaraderie as well. It felt nice to have some sort of connection with someone here. It would have been very lonely without your kind touches and knowing glances._

_I’m not sure why you had to leave. It’s none of my business. If you got spooked by us fooling around I understand. Maybe you have someone waiting for you, and if so, I’m sorry for overstepping. I don’t think you do though. Maybe it’s crazy, given that we didn’t have a conversation the entire time we were here, but I feel like you are a good man._

_Anyway, thanks again for everything._

_-Link Neal_

Link set down the pen, but then picked it up again.

_P.S. If you’d ever like to meet up I’ll put my contact info below. Even if you just want to get coffee and talk about our experiences here or whatever. I saw some wild things and would love to hear your journey._

Link wrote down his cell number and email address. He doubted Rhett would contact him; but nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

All the participants filtered into the meditation hall looking well rested. Everyone smiled brightly knowing it was almost over. They took their seats in the hall, and Micah greeted them. “Well, you’ve done it! Congratulations, everyone. I will leave you here to sit in silence with your breath. Take time to centre yourself and reflect on what you have accomplished here. When you are ready, you may move to the dining hall. As you cross through the doorway, you will move from noble silence to noble speech. These ten days are just the beginning as you continue your work, but you have made great strides here. You are welcome to come back anytime; we can always use staff to volunteer in the kitchens or cleaning. This place is run by volunteers acting in service, and we are so grateful for their hard work. You may also return for another course, to dig deeper and continue unburdening yourself. But in the meantime, go out into the world with joy and love. May all beings be happy!”

Micah left the stage and for the first time they were in absolute silence. No chants playing over the speakers, no teacher guiding them through, just silence. Link removed his glasses and closed his eyes. The breathing pattern came quickly, and he slipped into the warm glowy void he’d experienced the day before. He felt safe, and free of human worry and strife. His body tingled with a lightless like he was hovering an inch above his corporeal body. Most of all, he felt free.

Soon, the hour was up and participants began to slowly rise and move to the dining hall. Link was left all alone in the empty room. He hesitated to fold his mat and leave. What if this good feeling faded when he went back to his old life? What if he went back to being sad and angry? He didn’t want that. He just wanted to stay in this warm safe void forever. 

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, and opened his eyes to see Micah. “It’s time, Link.” 

Link nodded as tears formed in his eyes. He stood and wrapped his arms tightly around the shorter man. Micah chuckled with joy at Link’s affection. “You’ve done well here. I’m proud of you.”

“T-Thank you,” Link whispered. His voice was hoarse from lack of use. Micah slipped out of the room, and Link followed a moment after.

Link walked past the dining hall, but the noise was overwhelming. His fellow participants were positively giddy with the ability to speak, and joyful laughter echoed from the room as they shared their last meal of many, and their very first conversation. He opted not to join them. It was too stimulating. Instead, Link went back to his room and grabbed his bag, as well as the clothes and note for Rhett. He went to the reception area, and Tess was there. She opened up the small metal locker, and pulled out the bag with Link’s phone, candy and other contraband.

“Thanks,” he said, as he shrugged on his denim jacket and shoved his phone in the pocket.

“My roommate… Rhett?”

“Yes?” Tess responded.

“He left some clothes. I was hoping you had his contact information, and could return them to him?”

“Sure thing, I can take them.”

Link slipped the note in between the layers of clothes and handed them over to her.

“It’s… important he gets those,” Link said, struggling to form a sentence. 

“I’ll call him as soon as everyone leaves, I promise.”

“Okay, thank you,” he said weakly as he pulled on his black converse running shoes, and pushed open the door to the parking lot.

Stevie was standing outside her car with a McDonalds bag and a black coffee waiting for him.

“Hey slugger,” she said, giving him a big hug.

“I quit, Stevie. I love you. You’re a dear friend, but I quit,” he said, as he shoved an egg McMuffin in his mouth.

“That bad, huh?” she smirked.

“Actually, it was amazing. I owe you so much for this experience. It was truly unreal. I mean, of course I hated every second at first; but seriously, Stevie, this has changed my life. The biggest thing I realized is I need to be my authentic self. I need to follow my passion, and BuzzFeed isn’t it.”

“I understand, Link. The youth centre just got some major funding, thanks to that grant proposal you wrote. They’ve decided to add a full time Communications Director position. I already asked Cassie to include you in the candidate list. Can you get her an updated CV and cover letter by tomorrow, so she can pass it onto the board of directors?”

Link’s eyes were wide with excitement. “Are you kidding me? Of course. Oh my god, Stevie!” He wrapped his arms around her again, and picked her up, swinging her around in a circle. She yelped and playfully hit him on the shoulder. 

Link didn’t hear the black SUV pull into the parking lot, or the heavy footsteps in the fine gravel. It was only as he swung around did he catch the tall blonde man in his peripheral vision. At first, he barely recognized Rhett. He wore tight black skinny jeans that were cuffed at the ankle, and a slim fit grey and black plaid button up shirt. His hair was swept up into a curly pompadour. Link awkwardly dropped Stevie who stumbled, and caught her fall on the hood of her car. He turned and jogged over to meet Rhett halfway. 

“Please tell me that’s not your wife,” Rhett said, half jokingly.

“That’s my boss, Stevie. Don’t worry, she’s gay. Uh, like me,” Link winced at his awkwardness.

Rhett sighed with relief, and pulled Link into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry I left, my dad had a heart attack and I had to go home to North Carolina. I tried to leave a letter for you, but they wouldn’t-”

Rhett couldn’t finish his sentence, Link’s lips were on his faster than he could get the words out. Link swore he could feel Rhett grin as they kissed.

Link held his arms tightly around Rhett’s waist as he looked into his grey-green eyes. “Is your dad okay?”

“Yeah. He had a double bypass, but he’s out of the woods now. I got a red eye back this morning, in hopes of catching you before you left here.”

“You flew all night, and then drove three hours to see me?” Link said, shocked.

“Of course. You know you’re worth a little sleep exhaustion right? I was hoping you’d let me drive you back to LA. Figured we could get to know each other some. If you want, I mean. If it’s too much, we can exchange phone numbers, or whatever. Gosh, I’m all flustered,” he said, his cheeks all red with embarrassment.

“I’d like that very much, Rhett,” Link said with a huge grin. 

Rhett chuckled softly to himself.

“What’s so funny?” Link asked.

“I like the way my name sounds on your lips. Never heard you say it before. It’s kinda weird hearin’ you talk. How we have the same accent.”

“You gonna introduce me or what?” Stevie asked, interrupting the pair.

“Rhett, this is my friend and former boss, Stevie Levine. Stevie, this is Rhett McLaughlin. We were roommates.”

“Oh god, of course you were. Thought you weren't supposed to talk this whole time?” Stevie said with a quirked eyebrow.

“I may have broken,” Link said sheepishly. “But to be fair, it was only a few words. Somehow, Rhett managed to not break at all. It was impressive, actually.”

“I was under doctor’s orders not to speak. Blew out my vocal chords a few weeks ago. I, uh, scream a lot. My friend, Rivers, had been bugging me to come here for months. I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone.”

“Wait… Rivers? Rivers Cuomo? From Weezer?” Link asked with wide eyes.

“Yeah, I worked on their last two albums, and he's a good friend. In fact, he lent me all the funky meditation clothes we wore.”

“You’re telling me I’ve been wearing the clothes of the lead singer of my favourite band all damn week?”

“Guess so?”

“Golly....” Link replied, dumbfounded.

“Well, I guess you have a ride, so I’ll be on my way. I’m proud of you, Link. Don’t forget about that CV.”

“I’m on it. Thanks again, Stevie. For everything.”

She waved awkwardly, and slipped into her car.

Link ran back into the centre and got Rhett’s clothes, and then loaded his bag into the trunk. He buckled up, and Rhett put on some soft music. The pair pulled out of the parking lot, and headed back to LA.

On the drive home, they exchanged stories of growing up in North Carolina. They talked about their favourite bands and movies. Link was surprised at how funny Rhett was. At several points, both of them had the other in stitches. They had moments of silence, too, where they just sat and looked out the window in quiet contemplation. Silence was their default, afterall, and it was comfortable. 

Rhett pulled up in front of Link’s apartment, and put the car in park.“You wanna come up?” Link asked hopefully.

Rhett fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “I do, but I’m not going to. I know we already got kinda hot and heavy, but I want to take this slow. You’re the first person I’ve been with since Jessie and-”

“I’m more than okay with slow,” Link smiled softly, and took Rhett’s hand.

“I’m so sorry about getting spooked when you kissed me at the hot spring,” Rhett said softly.

“Rhett, it’s okay. I understand,” Link raised Rhett’s hand and kissed the back of it.

“I was just so afraid of opening my heart back up to someone after everything. It felt safe to lock it up, so it couldn’t get hurt again. I felt like I’d been doing okay. I poured myself into my music and art. I was going to therapy regularly. I thought my life was complete, even though I’d completely ruled out actually sharing it with someone.”

Rhett sighed deeply, and then continued, “But then in a meditation session, I was in the middle of a memory with Jessie. We were sitting at our favourite bistro on a warm summer night, the kids were with the sitter and we were able to just enjoy each other’s company. She looked so beautiful, silhouetted by the sunset. In the middle of the memory, she just looks up at me with those big eyes of hers and says, _I know you won’t forget me._ I asked her what she meant, and she said, _I’m your past. He’s your future._ and then things sort of flipped back to the actual memory, and she began talking about something else.”

Link gently wiped the tear from Rhett’s cheek with his thumb, and kissed him softly.

The pair got out of the car. Rhett opened the trunk,grabbed Link’s bag, and carried it up to the door of Link’s apartment.

“I’m scared, Link,” he said softly.

“Me too.”

“But also, excited. I just… don’t want to mess this up, y’know?”

“Believe me, Rhett, I know. Talk tomorrow?”

“Absolutely,” Rhett responded. “Golly, I’m sorry I’m being so sappy, I haven’t slept in… Gosh, I don’t even know how many hours.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. You’re perfect. Go home, get some rest,” Link said. He gave Rhett a tight hug, and a sweet kiss.

Rhett made his way back to his car with a goofy grin, and an awkward wave. Link’s heart felt so full. He’d never met anyone as open and genuine as Rhett. Just being in his presence made him feel loved in a way no one else had.


	13. Continued Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett and Link put the lessons they've learnt through mediation into their life together

** Continued Practice **

**__** **_2 Years Later_ **

Link woke up as he did every morning, in Rhett’s arms. Sometimes it still felt like a dream. They’d dated for a full year before moving in together. He and Rhett bought a cute little 1960s spanish bungalow in the suburbs, and settled into easy domesticity. Link got the Communications Director job at the youth centre. It was sometimes stressful, and they were running on a shoestring budget; but he found it immensely rewarding to help LGBT youth feel wanted and accepted in a way he wished he’d been able to feel. 

Link gave Rhett a small kiss on the chest and pulled the covers off them. They both got up silently and padded down the hallway barefoot to their meditation room. It was an awkward sort of room that was too big to be a closet, and too small to be useful for anything else. It was perfect for them. They both settled cross legged on the woven mats on the floor and closed their eyes. Link began to breathe through his nose, focusing on the sensation of the air moving past his upper lip. He focused on how the breath moved throughout his body. Soon he was in his place of pure joy. 

They had a lamp in the corner of the room on a timer that after an hour slowly began to illuminate the otherwise dark room, and signal them it was time to begin their day. Link got up slowly, and left Rhett to do his morning back stretches. He stopped at the small table at the end of the hallway, as he did every morning. A large silver picture frame sat on the marble tabletop. It was the same picture Link had seen several years ago in the newspaper of Rhett, Jessie and the boys sitting on the steps for a family portrait. Beside it sat a vase of flowers in bright pinks and purples. Link pulled a few wilting blooms out of the arrangement, and made a mental note to stop by the market and pick up a fresh bouquet. He took a private moment here every morning, while Rhett was doing his stretches, to remember Jessie and Rhett’s boys. He’d never met them, but as Rhett shared memories of them with Link, they slowly became a very important part of his life. 

He stepped into their bathroom and pulled off his boxers. He stood outside the shower and fiddled with the knobs. As he thrust his hand under the stream to test the temperature, he felt a large hand wrap around his naked hip.

“Wanna get dirty before ya get clean?” Rhett growled in his ear. 

He turned off the water and squealed as Rhett chased him into the bedroom. 

Link hit the mattress with a soft thud and Rhett’s mouth was on his, kissing him with determination. Sometimes, their lovemaking was slow and sweet, other times downright silly, but today Rhett was hungry and Link was happy to give him everything he wanted.

Rhett kissed down Link’s neck and chest. His beard tickled his belly as he worked his way down, peppering Link’s upper thighs with kisses. 

“Please, Rhett,” Link moaned, with his hands twined in Rhett's hair as Rhett licked and kissed everywhere except where he needed it. Rhett licked the tip of Link’s cock slowly, flicking his pointy tongue against it, making Link’s hips buck in search for more. 

Rhett took him deeper, and Link’s thighs began to tremble. Rhett grabbed some lube and coated a finger. He slowly pushed it into Link, opening him up as he continued to suck his cock. Rhett’s long fingers were damn right magical as they never failed to hit Link in just the right spot.

“More,” Link whimpered and Rhett was happy to oblige, as his mouth and fingers worked in tandem to make Link fall apart under his touch.

“Fuck me, Rhett,” he whined at the loss of contact as Rhett’s fingers and mouth disappeared from his body. 

Rhett sat at the head of the bed and pulled Link onto his lap, kissing him again. Link’s legs straddled Rhett and he gasped as Rhett pushed into him. Link’s arms wrapped around Rhett’s shoulders, and Rhett held firmly onto Link’s hips as Link rode him. Link loved feeling Rhett’s breath on his neck. He loved the grunts that would turn into full groans of pleasure as Rhett’s breath became ragged and broken. He always knew Rhett was close when Rhett would wrap one his giant hands around Link’s cock and jerk him off in time as he fucked him. Without fail, they’d come together, Link spilling all over Rhett’s belly as Rhett filled him up. 

He took a moment to catch his breath, and then collapsed into Rhett’s waiting arms. 

“Wow...Good morning to you, too!” he said as he pushed the sweaty hair off Rhett’s forehead, and kissed him.

“Mmmm, God, I love you,” Rhett said as Link cuddled into his chest. “So, what time do you go to the airport?”

Link sighed contentedly. “Her flight gets in at four. She’s gonna lose her mind when she finds out the friend we’re having dinner with tonight is Rivers.”

“Christy doesn’t strike me as the type to get starstruck,” Rhett said thoughtfully.

“You don’t understand. In college, her walls were plastered with Weezer posters. She’s seen them on every tour that’s gone through Raleigh. She’s gonna flip that you’re friends with him.”

“He’s your friend too now, baby,” Rhett said lifting Link’s hand to kiss it.

He ran his thumb over the faded tattoo on Link’s ring finger.

“How many more sessions do they think?”

“Probably another four to get it faded enough although I’ll probably have some scaring. The doctor said it’s one of the hardest tattoos he’s ever tried to remove. Apparently it wasn’t done very well, and they went too deep. The laser won’t be able to get all of it,” he sighed.

“Does that upset you?” 

“I mean, I wish it could disappear, sure. But I guess it’s a reminder of what I had to go through. I never would have moved to LA, or done the Vipassana retreat. So, in a weird way, everything with Rob was just a stop on the way to you. So, it’s worth it.”

“I think it’s a reminder of how brave you are,” Rhett said, kissing the faded tattoo.

“What do you think…? Maybe I could get a ring to cover it. And you could wear one, too…” Link gave him an awkward grin.

“Link Neal. Are you finally going to make an honest man of me?” Rhett asked with mock disdain.

“I mean… I know I was adamant about never get married again. And I love you so much for respecting that after you first brought up the subject. But, uh, well… Rhett, marry me?”

* * *

For the wedding, they rented a cool beach house in La Jolla, and invited a small group of friends and family. Their guests had arrived, and were settled on the beach. A huge driftwood archway was whimsically decorated with brightly coloured flowers and paper pinwheels. Rhett and Link got dressed in the master bedroom. They wore coordinating cream linen suits with brightly coloured floral dress shirts and equally loud patterned floral ties that somehow complimented their shirts.

“You nervous, Bo?” Rhett asked as he smoothed out a wrinkle in the shoulder of Link’s jacket. 

“Y’know, last time, I thought it was normal to feel sort of sick and anxious. Like I had this lead weight in my stomach, and I had to force one foot in front of the other in order to make it down the aisle. But right now I want to grab your hand and run full speed up there and make you my husband.” 

Rhett grinned as Link tried to go up on his tiptoes to kiss him. He gently pushed Link down by the shoulders.

“Nuh-uh, fiance of mine. No kisses till we’re married,” Rhett said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Mmmm, let’s go then.” Link pulled Rhett by the arm out onto the deck. 

The officiant waited for them under the archway. Christy and Stevie stood up for Link. Christy in a flowy cream cotton sundress trimmed with eyelet lace, Stevie wore a slouchy feminine cut cream suit. Rhett’s brother, Cole, along with his friend, Rivers, stood up with him. They wore beige linen pants and crisp cream shirts. Rivers picked up his acoustic guitar and began to play as Rhett took Link by the hand and headed down the steps to the beach.

Link’s heart burst with joy as his soon to be husband squeezed his hand. All the most important people in his life were there. The wonderfully supportive group of friends he and Rhett had built around them all stood to greet them as they started their journey down the aisle. Christy’s parents, who’d been like his own, had flown in from North Carolina and they smiled proudly and waved at Link from the front row. His friends and colleagues from the Youth Centre were there, including a few of the teenagers he’d mentored and were dear to his heart. Rhett’s family was there, too. Jim and Diane had welcomed him into the family with open arms, and they looked on as proud witnesses to their son’s union.

Rhett and Link held hands under the arch and the music stopped. The officiant cleared his throat and began. “Hello! My name is Micah. When Rhett and Link contacted me, and asked me to officiate their wedding, I was a bit flabbergasted. At the time, I was not a marriage officiant! But thanks to the internet I was easily able to get ordained and am proud to be able to be part of this blessed day.” He smiled fondly at the grooms.

“Rhett and Link met at a Vipassana retreat, which is ten days of silent meditation, where I was their teacher. Like all participants, they were under strict instructions not to engage in communication, verbal or nonverbal. This was to be a silent and solitary journey. They were also roommates, so safe to say, they didn’t quite follow those rules!”

Micah chuckled heartily along with the other guests.

“By day three, I noticed something between the two of them. They’d walk a little too close, their looks would linger a little too long. But I could also tell they were both making progress so I kept a close eye on things. Unfortunately, Rhett had to cut his time short to deal with a family emergency. In their time in silence, they both achieved great things and overcame substantial emotional hurdles. They are both dedicated to the practice of Vipassana, and continue to return to the centre to partake in retreats or volunteer. I started out as their teacher, but now I am also happy to call them friends.”

Micah reached out and put a hand on each of their arms affectionately.

“They come together today, not as two halves who have deemed the other the thing that will complete them. But, rather two whole people, free from pain and misery. Love can’t save you, or fix you. But these two men have worked hard to fix themselves in order to be true partners to the other. It’s a rare and beautiful thing, and we are so blessed to be here today to witness it. I’d like to ask everyone to close their eyes for a moment of silent contemplation; then, when you’re ready, Link, you may begin your vows.”

Link closed his eyes. A warm summer breeze blew gently on the beach and the waves lapped rhythmically at the shore. He felt calm and serene as he took a few breaths. Rhett squeezed his hands in silent encouragement and he opened his eyes to say his vows. He loved how Rhett looked at him. His grey-green eyes looked directly at Link, his eyes crinkled with crows feet when he smiled down at him. Rhett’s cheeks rose into sweet little blushy plums that gave away the grin hidden under his beard, and it was all Link could do not to kiss him in that moment.

“Rhett. I never thought this was possible. Any of it. I never thought I could have someone who loves me as honestly and fearlessly as you do. Everyday, you make me feel so loved. I know I can never have all of your heart. So much of it belongs to Jessie and your boys, as it should. I am just so privileged to share it with them. If I could trade places with them I would, if I knew it would make you happy. But I can’t. So instead, all I can do is to love you with everything I have. Through good times and bad, sickness and health. You, more than anyone, know we can’t predict the future, and Vipassana teaches us not to dwell on the past. So, all I can promise you is today. But, I look forward to as many _todays_ as possible with you by my side.”

Rhett pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbed his eyes. “Big men cry, too!” he said, and their guests chuckled. He exhaled and began his vows. “I knew I was in trouble the second I saw you in that meditation hall during orientation. I panicked pretty hard when we were assigned as roommates. I’d never even kissed a guy before, and suddenly I was falling for you, without even having said a word. I could tell you were lost and hurt. Pain recognizes pain, I guess. I saw so much of myself in you. When we reunited and started dating, we shared our stories and I learned just how brave and strong you are. You amaze me everyday with your passion and exuberance. You have this way of taking the most mundane task, and manage to fill it with childlike joy, and I find myself doubled over with laughter while doing dishes. I don’t know how you do it, but it’s magical. I never thought I would fall in love again, but I feel so honoured that I get to fall in love with you. I wake up every single day knowing it’s going to be a good day, because no matter what, even if we have an argument or things go wrong at work, I was privileged enough to wake up with you in my arms and there’s nothing that could happen that can ruin a day that starts like that.”

Rhett used his handkerchief to dab the tears falling from Link’s face as he laugh-cried at his partner’s words.

“Can I have Rhett’s ring please?” Micah asked Christy, who handed over a rosewood ring inlaid with shimmery green and blue abalone shell that Link had picked out for Rhett.

“Link, place the ring on Rhett’s finger and repeat after me…”

“I, Charles Lincoln Neal, take you, Rhett James McLaughlin, as my husband. To have and to hold until parted by death,” Link said as he slid the ring over Rhett’s knuckle.

“Link’s ring please,” Micah asked Cole, who handed over a traditional plain gold band that Rhett had wisely picked for Link, whose style was a little more traditional than Rhett’s.

“I, Rhett James McLaughlin, take you, Charles Lincoln Neal, as my husband. To have and to hold until parted by death.” Rhett’s thumb gently traced over the faint black line still visible from Link’s tattoo before sliding the ring over it. 

“Well, there we go!” Micah said, somewhat relieved to have successfully completed the ceremony. “By the power vested in me by the online life church, I now pronounce you husbands. May all beings be happy! You may now kiss!”

Rhett grabbed Link by the waist and lowered him into a low dip, kissing him dramatically as the crowd cheered them on. 

Paperwork was signed, pictures were taken, dinner was finished and their guests were letting loose on the dancefloor that had been built on the private beach for their party. It was casual, and everyone seemed to be having a great time. Rhett and Link sat together, exhausted and joyful. “Hey, would you look at that,” Link said as he gave a nudge to his husband and pointed to the dance floor. Christy and Cole were slow dancing. He whispered something in her ear and she laughed joyously. 

“Y’know, he only lives about three miles from her in Raleigh…” Rhett replied.

Link grinned as he pulled Rhett onto the dance floor. Rhett’s hands found the spot where they belonged on Link’s waist as they swayed to the music. 

A few songs later, Christy tapped Rhett on the shoulder, “Hey stretch, mind if I cut in?”

Rhett chuckled. “You know you’re the only one allowed to call me that, right?” he said as he let go of Link so that Christy could dance with him. “He’s all yours.”

“I loved him first, y’know,” she said jokingly.

“I know, and I love you for it, Chris,” Rhett said. He kissed her on the cheek and grabbed his mom for a dance.

“Soooo...” Link said knowingly as he slow danced with Christy.

“What?” she asked, already blushing.

“I mean… I know you’ve always wanted to be related to me, but marrying Cole so you can be my sister-in-law seems a bit desperate, don’t you think?” he grinned widely as she playfully smacked him.

“You think you’re funny, Linkster, but we already have a date set up for next week when we’re both in Raleigh.”

“YES!” Link yelled a little too loudly. 

“Dang, be cool, Link!” she said, thoroughly embarrassed. She caught Cole’s eye from across the room and he gave her a wink.

“Christy… thank you for being here today. And for answering when I called you. I was so horrible to you, and I can’t express how much your forgiveness means to me.”

“Link, we’ve been together thirty-five years. Yeah, I needed some time after it all happened, but we’re stronger than that. Thank you for reaching out. I’m so proud of you. You’ve built a beautiful life for yourself, and I am so honoured to be part of it. Plus, y’know, I get to brag to all my friends how I go to Los Angeles every three months to hang out with Weezer, so, worth it.”

The song ended, and Christy kissed him on the cheek before going off in search of another glass of sangria. 

Rhett found Link and wrapped his arms around him again. Link smiled up at him. It had a been a beautiful, perfect day, but he was looking forward to the quiet joy of their daily lives. He raised his head to kiss Rhett as the DJ played a familiar song. 

_All I ever wanted, all I ever needed_

_Is here, in my arms_

_Words are very unnecessary,_

_They can only do harm._

_Enjoy the silence._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this story. It means a lot to me. I know the subject matter wasn't exactly easy but Link's story is my story. Thanks for coming a long for the ride. Comments are love, please leave me one and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Also, a book helped me immensely after I left my abusive relationship and you can read it for free with this pdf version. it's called [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancfroft](https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)

**Author's Note:**

> R&L discussed wanting to go to a silent retreat in ear biscuits 139, which was the inspiration for this fic. 
> 
> Also the title is a reference to when they were on Table Top and they couldn't guess the clue for the song, Enjoy the Silence, by Depeche Mode and Wil got annoyed haha.


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